It is the week after Christmas and I am not alone when I say that I am still in the right after dinner state. That place where some just slump on the couch watching the game, some sit and talk for hours, others may play games, but no one engages in normal daily activity- it is a holiday and there is no pressure to do anything! The cooks work is done
These holiday moments are anticipated weeks ahead by most people as a time you can count on to stop and catch your breath or at least get away from the daily grind we live in.
When we get there in spite of the in-laws we don’t get along with there is a letting down that is nice at some moment of the experience. The level of contentment we live in our normal daily lives directly affects our motivation to leave the holiday.
For me, that level of contentment is divided, causing a war inside myself that threatens my ability to stand. You see I am very content in some areas of my life and completely discontent in others! There are 4 sizes of pants hanging in my closet- not content! There are photos of family all over the house- all bring thoughts of pride and love- yet some are also reminders of hurts or concerns- mixed contentment! Multiple calls daily reminding me of a large village of caring family and friends that surround me, but many of the conversations bring the realization of the struggles we are all in- mixed contentment. Going to the mailbox, email, facebook, or the blogsites brings both announcements of happy things as well as the bills and requests for donations etc. - mixed contentment. This state of mixed contentment is not motivating me- it overwhelms me. It occurs to me that Jesus experienced this when he said, “Jerusalem, Jerusalem which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not!” Luke 13:34 He himself is the answer, but we must respond!
Personalizing scripture is very effective motivational tool. Let me try this one on myself:
“Carol, Carol who quickly forgets the word of the prophets and often ignores or refuses to receive those sent to help her; Every time I was trying to set you in good places, meet all your needs, squeeze you with the unconditional love of the Holy Spirit and you wouldn’t stop what you were doing and step aside and let me be your Lord!” Now here is something to ponder- help digest that pumpkin pie- maybe even motivate me to see the things I can do rather than dwell on failures or discontentment! God has promised His mercy is new every morning. This morning I will step aside and rejoice in His presence and His Lordship and give Him the reigns. I strongly suspect I will find motivation as I surrender to Him today and let Him live and move and have this “Carol” being for His purpose.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Ever notice how quick we are to answer a question? Are you angry? No. Are you hungry? Yes. Are you ok? Sure, fine. Are you content? Absolutely! It has occurred to me recently that many times my answers are rote and given without much thought. Sometimes upon reflecting my answer I discover within my heart that I did not give an accurate response. This speaking without thinking thing is a very human part of our nature and sadly we often just respond as the group we run with expects us too. I became a planet too busy to take the time to reflect upon the question beyond my immediate answers. Now I am not saying that I was lying all this time, because to my active thinking every response was true. Often I was distracted with other thoughts I considered more important than what was being addressed to me at the time.
My husband and I like most couples love a getaway that includes a beach, sun and sand. He sets himself up for the day and is content to watch the water, sleep, and take occasional therapy- going out and letting the waves toss him around! I like the atmosphere of the ocean and the sound of the waves, but prefer to read or walk the boardwalk and shop having a hard time just “sitting” even at the beach. If I were to get comments about this there would be a thousand interpretations about us- our personality profile, backgrounds, needs met or unmet, and on and on it could go. Google it and you will get 40,000 responses to consider!
The pace of our society has continued to increase. In the movie Kate and Leopold when she asks him if he misses the 18th century he responds that he misses the pace. As an adult I miss the pace I remember as a child. For my grandchildren I have a great concern for how they will be able to find peace in a world that moves so fast and is so competitive. The zooming around as I have done all my life would be considered normal. It was when I hit that wall and sputtered and stopped that I truly looked inside my heart for what the definition for contentment is for Planet Carol. I am discovering that the patterns I’ve zoomed through over and over have not all brought contentment and in my disconnection from the universe floating aimlessly this past year I am more interested than ever to discover who I am as an individual defined solely by my own hearts desire. I am reconnecting to the high school girl who memorized scripture and led her friends in prayer groups and community outreach. The college girl who sought the Lord with all her heart before moving ahead on any decision. The young mother who found joy in providing quality times for her family that would plant deep roots of unconditional love and build confidence in her children to never fear to go for their dreams. If this sounds lofty to you, please understand that I am an optimist and believe that more women than not have these same desires. In my discovery there is one thing so far that I am very certain of. Without my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ my life cannot stand up to the God of this world anymore than the Building and Loan could stand without George Bailey! Like George, I have often been discontent in the exact place I needed to be- not understanding the plan of God for my life. Recognizing God’s plan and finding contentment in it is priority on my list of repairs today. It may be hard and then again the Bible says if any of you lack wisdom ask and it shall be given to you……………
My husband and I like most couples love a getaway that includes a beach, sun and sand. He sets himself up for the day and is content to watch the water, sleep, and take occasional therapy- going out and letting the waves toss him around! I like the atmosphere of the ocean and the sound of the waves, but prefer to read or walk the boardwalk and shop having a hard time just “sitting” even at the beach. If I were to get comments about this there would be a thousand interpretations about us- our personality profile, backgrounds, needs met or unmet, and on and on it could go. Google it and you will get 40,000 responses to consider!
The pace of our society has continued to increase. In the movie Kate and Leopold when she asks him if he misses the 18th century he responds that he misses the pace. As an adult I miss the pace I remember as a child. For my grandchildren I have a great concern for how they will be able to find peace in a world that moves so fast and is so competitive. The zooming around as I have done all my life would be considered normal. It was when I hit that wall and sputtered and stopped that I truly looked inside my heart for what the definition for contentment is for Planet Carol. I am discovering that the patterns I’ve zoomed through over and over have not all brought contentment and in my disconnection from the universe floating aimlessly this past year I am more interested than ever to discover who I am as an individual defined solely by my own hearts desire. I am reconnecting to the high school girl who memorized scripture and led her friends in prayer groups and community outreach. The college girl who sought the Lord with all her heart before moving ahead on any decision. The young mother who found joy in providing quality times for her family that would plant deep roots of unconditional love and build confidence in her children to never fear to go for their dreams. If this sounds lofty to you, please understand that I am an optimist and believe that more women than not have these same desires. In my discovery there is one thing so far that I am very certain of. Without my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ my life cannot stand up to the God of this world anymore than the Building and Loan could stand without George Bailey! Like George, I have often been discontent in the exact place I needed to be- not understanding the plan of God for my life. Recognizing God’s plan and finding contentment in it is priority on my list of repairs today. It may be hard and then again the Bible says if any of you lack wisdom ask and it shall be given to you……………
Sunday, December 27, 2009
12.27.09
There is no time like the holidays for emotions. Most men blame them on the women, but I see emotions from men even stronger than ours during these moments. Emotions are of course the avenue to extreme behavior and where I choose to pick on the guys for a few moments, here are a few examples that we gals may have to look at too!:
1. Extreme shopping way beyond our means (making us feel like we can’t afford things others want).
2. This one is for the men- Refusing to shop at all (the economy you know) and handing you a few bucks for the kids Christmas eve (and by then you have borrowed from family and friends to ensure your children are not disappointed) which causes a night of wrapping and no sleep and promises all the romance of Christmas is lost!
3. Grieving for family that has gone on ahead and more often than not unaware of why you are sad or grumpy.
4. Resenting the extra work making the event happen and not feeling fully appreciated for the effort.
5. Dreading the encounters with friends or relatives we just don’t get along with.
Wow- that is enough of that- I love Christmas and what a gloomy picture! This year I did everything for Thanksgiving due to circumstances in every other family member’s life, so they made the sweet plan that I would not cook Christmas! I was expecting to be blessed and enjoy the holiday perhaps more than ever- more time with the kids and visiting with the guests. 3 days before Christmas my husband was a tornado in the kitchen making 3 delicious desserts (He is famous for his cooking) and I was really at peace. They had planned a menu that veered from the traditional I did and excitement was high. Then he got sick. Nothing serious- just a sinus infection- but he was as useless as a burnt out light bulb. Went to bed right after my daughters annual Christmas Eve breakfast and there I stood in the kitchen all alone to get 2 meals started- our annual Christmas Eve get together with friends- 12 of us and our family and friends Christmas Day- a different assorted 12 of us. I chopped chicken wings up for the teriyaki chicken that was to be grilled, but I baked standing in front of the oven turning and basting Christmas day while my husband and daughter took a nap and Mom watched a movie. Ladies- I need not say more. But there was a miracle of Christmas for me. I wasn’t stressed. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t grieving for the family member who wouldn’t come. I was overwhelmed at how blessed I am right now in the midst. Planet Carol worked not alone, but in the presence of the Holy Spirit and came out happy and blessed after 2 full days of hard unexpected labor. I loved every minute of both days. My best friend and I walked through the line Christmas Eve and sat at the table as guests at a wonderful party as if I had done nothing.
We played games, enjoyed presents, and the grandchildren we’re perfect (well that’s right- right?) so everyone ended the night so happy. Christmas day we drove to get Mom at her assisted living home and she stayed until 8 pm having a great time. The last present was opened at 11:30 pm due to family schedules and taking Mom home in the midst, but it was a great day. You see- my maiden name is Bailey- and regardless of the circumstances- compared to the picture of Christmas around the world I have a wonderful life! The angels God has sent to me are a wall of protection from the world and inside there is comfort, joy and peace beyond understanding. I am thinking finding planet carol is connected to choosing the right place to live…………………..
There is no time like the holidays for emotions. Most men blame them on the women, but I see emotions from men even stronger than ours during these moments. Emotions are of course the avenue to extreme behavior and where I choose to pick on the guys for a few moments, here are a few examples that we gals may have to look at too!:
1. Extreme shopping way beyond our means (making us feel like we can’t afford things others want).
2. This one is for the men- Refusing to shop at all (the economy you know) and handing you a few bucks for the kids Christmas eve (and by then you have borrowed from family and friends to ensure your children are not disappointed) which causes a night of wrapping and no sleep and promises all the romance of Christmas is lost!
3. Grieving for family that has gone on ahead and more often than not unaware of why you are sad or grumpy.
4. Resenting the extra work making the event happen and not feeling fully appreciated for the effort.
5. Dreading the encounters with friends or relatives we just don’t get along with.
Wow- that is enough of that- I love Christmas and what a gloomy picture! This year I did everything for Thanksgiving due to circumstances in every other family member’s life, so they made the sweet plan that I would not cook Christmas! I was expecting to be blessed and enjoy the holiday perhaps more than ever- more time with the kids and visiting with the guests. 3 days before Christmas my husband was a tornado in the kitchen making 3 delicious desserts (He is famous for his cooking) and I was really at peace. They had planned a menu that veered from the traditional I did and excitement was high. Then he got sick. Nothing serious- just a sinus infection- but he was as useless as a burnt out light bulb. Went to bed right after my daughters annual Christmas Eve breakfast and there I stood in the kitchen all alone to get 2 meals started- our annual Christmas Eve get together with friends- 12 of us and our family and friends Christmas Day- a different assorted 12 of us. I chopped chicken wings up for the teriyaki chicken that was to be grilled, but I baked standing in front of the oven turning and basting Christmas day while my husband and daughter took a nap and Mom watched a movie. Ladies- I need not say more. But there was a miracle of Christmas for me. I wasn’t stressed. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t grieving for the family member who wouldn’t come. I was overwhelmed at how blessed I am right now in the midst. Planet Carol worked not alone, but in the presence of the Holy Spirit and came out happy and blessed after 2 full days of hard unexpected labor. I loved every minute of both days. My best friend and I walked through the line Christmas Eve and sat at the table as guests at a wonderful party as if I had done nothing.
We played games, enjoyed presents, and the grandchildren we’re perfect (well that’s right- right?) so everyone ended the night so happy. Christmas day we drove to get Mom at her assisted living home and she stayed until 8 pm having a great time. The last present was opened at 11:30 pm due to family schedules and taking Mom home in the midst, but it was a great day. You see- my maiden name is Bailey- and regardless of the circumstances- compared to the picture of Christmas around the world I have a wonderful life! The angels God has sent to me are a wall of protection from the world and inside there is comfort, joy and peace beyond understanding. I am thinking finding planet carol is connected to choosing the right place to live…………………..
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
12.22.09
Today I received a present from someone that really surprised me! I had no idea that they cared about me or even liked me that much. That element of surprise felt so good. When I opened it and found out that what was inside was very thoughtful and chosen just for me I really felt loved! It caused me to look at that person with new eyes, realizing that somewhere in our walk together I had been preoccupied in our relationship and they were obviously feeling something that I was missing out on. I believe this is definitely part of the breakdown in planet carol. Being so preoccupied and busy doing somewhere I stopped receiving some things that I needed to keep going strong.
I will never forget running out of gas on a main interstate highway with my Mom a couple years back. She was 76 at the time and has never paid a bill late or let her gas tank get below the half full mark! I was frustrated and embarrassed, but she was frightened by my irresponsibility as the trucks whizzed by us. (She asked me how much gas I had every time she got in the car for months afterwards!) I was so busy taking Mom places I fell short in being prepared in a way that would ensure a safe and happy experience.
Years back I worked as an Activities Director in a very state of the art home. Because of my loyalty and detail to professionalism combined with God’s heart in mine for the people I was drawn into more and more leadership responsibilities (without pay increase of course) and the job became 24/7. When they approached me about adding travel and training with pay I realized that I was giving my life away to a corporation and I have a husband and 3 children who were first in my heart, but never getting the best of me. God gave me the wisdom to leave. I believe the person I so eloquently described above is termed a workaholic! I left the job, but the workaholic never left me! I took it to every job I’ve ever had, though I did give more of the best of me to the ones I love the most.
As I have floated “lost in space” this year there is a vision slowly coming into focus for the first time. While I feel like I am in a bubble alone I keep seeing people smiling at me from a distance. Some hold onto the bubble and float with me for awhile; others are using hammers and chisels trying to break through. I don’t know yet if they want to rescue me or just come inside and ride along for awhile. But this one thing I know- Nothing has separated me from the love of God. He has been in this bubble all along. As I have become more and more aware of His presence what began as a scary ride is now more comfortable. Though I know He has always been there I sadly admit that I have been surprised by His gifts of peace and joy. He knows me to core of my being. I have not been receiving the fuel for life He has for me. A car can only circle the gas station so many times before it will run out and have to be pulled in and serviced. I think I’ve made the Lord dizzy zipping around His station……………………………………….
Today I received a present from someone that really surprised me! I had no idea that they cared about me or even liked me that much. That element of surprise felt so good. When I opened it and found out that what was inside was very thoughtful and chosen just for me I really felt loved! It caused me to look at that person with new eyes, realizing that somewhere in our walk together I had been preoccupied in our relationship and they were obviously feeling something that I was missing out on. I believe this is definitely part of the breakdown in planet carol. Being so preoccupied and busy doing somewhere I stopped receiving some things that I needed to keep going strong.
I will never forget running out of gas on a main interstate highway with my Mom a couple years back. She was 76 at the time and has never paid a bill late or let her gas tank get below the half full mark! I was frustrated and embarrassed, but she was frightened by my irresponsibility as the trucks whizzed by us. (She asked me how much gas I had every time she got in the car for months afterwards!) I was so busy taking Mom places I fell short in being prepared in a way that would ensure a safe and happy experience.
Years back I worked as an Activities Director in a very state of the art home. Because of my loyalty and detail to professionalism combined with God’s heart in mine for the people I was drawn into more and more leadership responsibilities (without pay increase of course) and the job became 24/7. When they approached me about adding travel and training with pay I realized that I was giving my life away to a corporation and I have a husband and 3 children who were first in my heart, but never getting the best of me. God gave me the wisdom to leave. I believe the person I so eloquently described above is termed a workaholic! I left the job, but the workaholic never left me! I took it to every job I’ve ever had, though I did give more of the best of me to the ones I love the most.
As I have floated “lost in space” this year there is a vision slowly coming into focus for the first time. While I feel like I am in a bubble alone I keep seeing people smiling at me from a distance. Some hold onto the bubble and float with me for awhile; others are using hammers and chisels trying to break through. I don’t know yet if they want to rescue me or just come inside and ride along for awhile. But this one thing I know- Nothing has separated me from the love of God. He has been in this bubble all along. As I have become more and more aware of His presence what began as a scary ride is now more comfortable. Though I know He has always been there I sadly admit that I have been surprised by His gifts of peace and joy. He knows me to core of my being. I have not been receiving the fuel for life He has for me. A car can only circle the gas station so many times before it will run out and have to be pulled in and serviced. I think I’ve made the Lord dizzy zipping around His station……………………………………….
Thursday, December 17, 2009
12.16.09
Where is my heart? Struggling with all it’s might to pump life into me. For it is the place Jesus speaks to me daily through the Holy Spirit. It gets lost in the flesh- on a roller coaster ride to reach my ears and open my eyes. My heart sees a window to speak when I sit down at the piano to worship and it pumps into me strength and joy. As a result My eyes are open to see His Word- see my path clearly- and I take steps with Jesus that are sure, fulfilling, comforting, humbling, and fruitful.
“Bless my heart” though, for so easily I am distracted. I find usefulness in busyness. It is all really good stuff mind you- stuff Jesus likes. But the busier I become the more I bury my heart down deep inside somewhere to save for when I have some time. It is gasping for air, but will not be suffocated. It is squeezed into a place that cannot contain its fullness, but is too strong to pop and be destroyed. It stays alert for an opening to jump out and pull me back inside once again. When I respond to my heart there is perspective, peace, wisdom, contentment, and the intimacy of relationship that completes me. All the things the world is so hungry for- I am so hungry for- right here deep inside me- easily accessible- and yet I get distracted? I am so not like God and without Him truly I am the most shallow person on the earth. Good grief Charlie Brown, what is the matter with me.........
Where is my heart? Struggling with all it’s might to pump life into me. For it is the place Jesus speaks to me daily through the Holy Spirit. It gets lost in the flesh- on a roller coaster ride to reach my ears and open my eyes. My heart sees a window to speak when I sit down at the piano to worship and it pumps into me strength and joy. As a result My eyes are open to see His Word- see my path clearly- and I take steps with Jesus that are sure, fulfilling, comforting, humbling, and fruitful.
“Bless my heart” though, for so easily I am distracted. I find usefulness in busyness. It is all really good stuff mind you- stuff Jesus likes. But the busier I become the more I bury my heart down deep inside somewhere to save for when I have some time. It is gasping for air, but will not be suffocated. It is squeezed into a place that cannot contain its fullness, but is too strong to pop and be destroyed. It stays alert for an opening to jump out and pull me back inside once again. When I respond to my heart there is perspective, peace, wisdom, contentment, and the intimacy of relationship that completes me. All the things the world is so hungry for- I am so hungry for- right here deep inside me- easily accessible- and yet I get distracted? I am so not like God and without Him truly I am the most shallow person on the earth. Good grief Charlie Brown, what is the matter with me.........
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
12.15.09
How do I feel about you Lord? I love you I love you I love you! I am utterly amazed at your grace over me when I wander as if you aren’t even there, yet at that moment deep within me I know you are there.
I think that you are humble- to desire to have me as a friend and companion- and I am just something you made out of dirt! Yet you wanted me enough to blow your own breath into me and give me life.
I think you are patience. Your love for me stays steady even though I continually don’t do what you know is best for me. I try to be you and you just smile knowing my intent though I am completely missing the point- that you are you in me and if I would just let go of trying to be something you could actually become something in me that comes out of me and yet it would be all you.
I think you are empathetic. You know me better than I know myself, partly because you became like me- a body of flesh- and experienced all a body can experience- including spirit, soul, mind, heart, seeing both good and evil, touching things both pleasant and unpleasant, hearing beauty and ugliness, feeling acceptance and rejection, loving every human being regardless of how they lived and hating only the real enemy- the devil.
My feelings for you are desperate because of my own insecurities. I know that I have not even tapped into the provisions in the spirit that are there for me and I am afraid that I will live a shallow existence because of my inability to overcome my own lazy flesh. In my pride over my accomplishments that I know are only because I responded to your wisdom and guidance and most often gave you all the glory for them- yet my body is weary and I find I really don’t want to respond anymore to anything that sounds like sacrifice- that I just want to be selfish and let others carry the ball. I know I have broken my own rule that you put in my heart years ago- that all my expectations should come from you and no man. Let me just repent of that right now.
You are trust. So if I can’t trust you there exists no trust in the universe! Over and over you have been there for me without ever disappointing me (ok wait, I have been disappointed- my husband is not healed of diabetes, my son fighting the battle of a mental illness and maybe there is a longer list I don’t care to dig for right now) Even in these disappointments I haven’t blamed you because I know you. I know that you want all to be healed. I know you want all to be saved. I would say that it is not you that I don’t trust- it is me. I don’t trust me to trust you with things. Why is that? You are my God and have shown yourself to me in my prayer closet when no one else understood. You have baptized me with the Holy Spirit. I understand that in you I have a Father, a Savior, and a daily presence to guide me. I have been the recipient of many miracles in my life undeniably even in the eyes of unbelievers to have come directly from you. I have been content and satisfied with you when others wanted me to have more possessions and recognition on the earth and I truly didn’t care about it. Perhaps right now in this state of weariness I find myself in I desire more of this world. Is that normal? As I write it I see it as ridiculous.
You are fun. The best times of my life have been with you. Experiencing joy so exuberating I couldn’t help but dance. Experiencing peace so penetrating that I left the world around me sharing with you only in a cloud that had no cares. I have laughed with you over the silly things in life. I have stood in awe with you at the births of my children, miracle healing of the baby with cancer, and that a check didn’t bounce that should have. Experienced gratefulness in the provision of need ($ for college, groceries when broke, gifts for my children I couldn’t pay for, ministry needs met, a mission trip to South Africa, strength and guidance to care for the members of Crossroads, returning Mom to me after being kidnapped, and on and on and on I could go…..) Every time you show up we smile at each other because I know you are there- loving me- liking me- protecting me. You like me- so why can’t I get over myself and like me too?
You have the answer. Somehow I am blocking myself from seeing what I know is right there. It is like a silly cartoon where you are handing me my birthday cake and I refuse to open my eyes to see it, open my ears to hear you say take it, move my arms to reach out and touch it, have a clothes pin on my nose so I can’t smell it, and allow my taste buds to water and not be satisfied. I am truly the most stupid person on earth. And yet I sense you don’t see me as stupid. You still desire fellowship with me. Your mercy is new every moment and you remain patient. You have empathy for my struggle and believe in my ability to make it even when I don’t. You stand there willing for me to trust you in spite of myself. And somehow in the midst even this moment I am smiling because you know the fun we have shared has only just begun.
How do I feel about you? You are God- the one and only God- and I accept you today as Lord of my life, companion of my life, friend in my life and with you I can find my orbit.......
How do I feel about you Lord? I love you I love you I love you! I am utterly amazed at your grace over me when I wander as if you aren’t even there, yet at that moment deep within me I know you are there.
I think that you are humble- to desire to have me as a friend and companion- and I am just something you made out of dirt! Yet you wanted me enough to blow your own breath into me and give me life.
I think you are patience. Your love for me stays steady even though I continually don’t do what you know is best for me. I try to be you and you just smile knowing my intent though I am completely missing the point- that you are you in me and if I would just let go of trying to be something you could actually become something in me that comes out of me and yet it would be all you.
I think you are empathetic. You know me better than I know myself, partly because you became like me- a body of flesh- and experienced all a body can experience- including spirit, soul, mind, heart, seeing both good and evil, touching things both pleasant and unpleasant, hearing beauty and ugliness, feeling acceptance and rejection, loving every human being regardless of how they lived and hating only the real enemy- the devil.
My feelings for you are desperate because of my own insecurities. I know that I have not even tapped into the provisions in the spirit that are there for me and I am afraid that I will live a shallow existence because of my inability to overcome my own lazy flesh. In my pride over my accomplishments that I know are only because I responded to your wisdom and guidance and most often gave you all the glory for them- yet my body is weary and I find I really don’t want to respond anymore to anything that sounds like sacrifice- that I just want to be selfish and let others carry the ball. I know I have broken my own rule that you put in my heart years ago- that all my expectations should come from you and no man. Let me just repent of that right now.
You are trust. So if I can’t trust you there exists no trust in the universe! Over and over you have been there for me without ever disappointing me (ok wait, I have been disappointed- my husband is not healed of diabetes, my son fighting the battle of a mental illness and maybe there is a longer list I don’t care to dig for right now) Even in these disappointments I haven’t blamed you because I know you. I know that you want all to be healed. I know you want all to be saved. I would say that it is not you that I don’t trust- it is me. I don’t trust me to trust you with things. Why is that? You are my God and have shown yourself to me in my prayer closet when no one else understood. You have baptized me with the Holy Spirit. I understand that in you I have a Father, a Savior, and a daily presence to guide me. I have been the recipient of many miracles in my life undeniably even in the eyes of unbelievers to have come directly from you. I have been content and satisfied with you when others wanted me to have more possessions and recognition on the earth and I truly didn’t care about it. Perhaps right now in this state of weariness I find myself in I desire more of this world. Is that normal? As I write it I see it as ridiculous.
You are fun. The best times of my life have been with you. Experiencing joy so exuberating I couldn’t help but dance. Experiencing peace so penetrating that I left the world around me sharing with you only in a cloud that had no cares. I have laughed with you over the silly things in life. I have stood in awe with you at the births of my children, miracle healing of the baby with cancer, and that a check didn’t bounce that should have. Experienced gratefulness in the provision of need ($ for college, groceries when broke, gifts for my children I couldn’t pay for, ministry needs met, a mission trip to South Africa, strength and guidance to care for the members of Crossroads, returning Mom to me after being kidnapped, and on and on and on I could go…..) Every time you show up we smile at each other because I know you are there- loving me- liking me- protecting me. You like me- so why can’t I get over myself and like me too?
You have the answer. Somehow I am blocking myself from seeing what I know is right there. It is like a silly cartoon where you are handing me my birthday cake and I refuse to open my eyes to see it, open my ears to hear you say take it, move my arms to reach out and touch it, have a clothes pin on my nose so I can’t smell it, and allow my taste buds to water and not be satisfied. I am truly the most stupid person on earth. And yet I sense you don’t see me as stupid. You still desire fellowship with me. Your mercy is new every moment and you remain patient. You have empathy for my struggle and believe in my ability to make it even when I don’t. You stand there willing for me to trust you in spite of myself. And somehow in the midst even this moment I am smiling because you know the fun we have shared has only just begun.
How do I feel about you? You are God- the one and only God- and I accept you today as Lord of my life, companion of my life, friend in my life and with you I can find my orbit.......
Monday, December 14, 2009
I have decided I was not completely honest in my last blog- there are only a few things I don't like about myself. I consider myself a quite likeable person actually. The real mystery for me is why more of you don't like me and reach out to me. It has been intriguing to experience the reactions of those around me to my planet being out of commission. Some of you just want me to explain what happened (and I can't). Others give advice in the desperate hope that I will just come out of it and get on with what has always been. There have even been some who have feared that I have had a head on collision and the damage is irreparable! When I was eight years old we attended a good Southern Baptist Church and during one of our revival services I gave my life to the Lord Jesus Christ and was baptized. This was and is real for me- I can still remember the details of my first days knowing Jesus. Growing up I was in the middle of everything at my church- attaining the highest honors in the Girls Auxiliary Group. I even started a Prayer Group and Bible Study at my high school. My parents always thought I would become a foreign missionary. I did go to college and participated in lots of mission work (playing the piano made me invaluable to all the handsome young ministers and music leaders who went out in teams on the weekends! - being a Christian doesn't remove our human instincts). Anyway, I hit a point in college mission work one summer in the Appalachian mountains of Kentucky where I started to pray - I would say things like, "I know there is more to You, God than I am experiencing. I want to give more and there isn't more in me to give, but I know there is more in You." Boldly I asked Him to show me more or I wasn't going to spend my life serving Him. He did show me more and much to my family and friends dismay the girl elected to serve as the Baptist Student Union President at her college that coming fall was no longer Baptist- but filled with Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues and seeing miracles happen around. My father told me point blank I was going to hell. (He later changed his mind and we will be reunited in heaven one day!) Since that summer I have lived my life serving the Lord with my whole heart and a good life it has been in spite of huge challenges. How does someone like this, so sure of God's presence and love for the world run out of gas and just float...........................
Thursday, December 10, 2009
12.10.09
Attach to. My previous entry ended in those words and I am reacting to the thought. Planet Carol has been quick to make commitments and attach myself to others both personally or in joining a project. To me it is all about loyalty, dedication, hard work, and going the extra mile. Many of these commitments remain with me to this day, but others were for a season and the job has been completed. Usually the completion brings with it celebration, lots of good vibes and feelings. Occasionally it is simply a relief it is over. And then there are the experiences that drain you and leave you broken hearted and feeling helpless. No matter which catagory they fall- over the long term most of these accomplishments are forgotten completely or a memory to relive once in awhile. Somehow whether it was celebration or recuperation at the end I always find myself lost wondering what to do next. At the same time things I've neglected during the project come screaming into the moment. My body yells for care- the house is a disaster- I find a list of things I meant to do still undone- relationships like my husband look at me like-"hello, do I know you?" This happened this year. Only I didn't find another project to distract me from them. It has been a moment of recuperaion and I didn't bounce back. I got sick. I quit doing some of my commitments. I looked around me and felt like a stranger in my own home. For the first time in my life I made decisions not to attach myself to anything. The optomism and fight that have kept me zipping around the universe left me suddenly- like a balloon that is popped and falls deflated. For some reason I am laughing right now thinking of one of the many Navy songs we learned from our Dad "What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning....." Is the question do I want to attach to anyone or anything or is it that I don't believe anyone truly wants to attach to me- the "drunken sailor" who isn't worth the trouble? The real me I am searching to define may or may not be all about loyalty, hard work and going the second mile. Today I want something more than to be needed or used- I want to be liked - someone you would desire to be around. I'm floating right now because there are a lot of things about me I don't like so I figure why would you..........
Attach to. My previous entry ended in those words and I am reacting to the thought. Planet Carol has been quick to make commitments and attach myself to others both personally or in joining a project. To me it is all about loyalty, dedication, hard work, and going the extra mile. Many of these commitments remain with me to this day, but others were for a season and the job has been completed. Usually the completion brings with it celebration, lots of good vibes and feelings. Occasionally it is simply a relief it is over. And then there are the experiences that drain you and leave you broken hearted and feeling helpless. No matter which catagory they fall- over the long term most of these accomplishments are forgotten completely or a memory to relive once in awhile. Somehow whether it was celebration or recuperation at the end I always find myself lost wondering what to do next. At the same time things I've neglected during the project come screaming into the moment. My body yells for care- the house is a disaster- I find a list of things I meant to do still undone- relationships like my husband look at me like-"hello, do I know you?" This happened this year. Only I didn't find another project to distract me from them. It has been a moment of recuperaion and I didn't bounce back. I got sick. I quit doing some of my commitments. I looked around me and felt like a stranger in my own home. For the first time in my life I made decisions not to attach myself to anything. The optomism and fight that have kept me zipping around the universe left me suddenly- like a balloon that is popped and falls deflated. For some reason I am laughing right now thinking of one of the many Navy songs we learned from our Dad "What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning....." Is the question do I want to attach to anyone or anything or is it that I don't believe anyone truly wants to attach to me- the "drunken sailor" who isn't worth the trouble? The real me I am searching to define may or may not be all about loyalty, hard work and going the second mile. Today I want something more than to be needed or used- I want to be liked - someone you would desire to be around. I'm floating right now because there are a lot of things about me I don't like so I figure why would you..........
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
12.08.09
Writing is energizing to me. I am amazed at how much I learn about myself as my fingers work the keyboard. Some people I suppose may think through exactly what they are going to say, but for me writing is the moment. It is the response to the now I am in. Being honest with the now I am actually in has only recently become part of my journey. Most of my life I have lived in the now of others around me. Taking seriously what needed to be done for those around me. Yesterday I was very honest about my moment as I wrote Finding Planet Carol- so much so that I hope my husband didn't read it! At the same time there is a freedom coming into my life by being honest. Recently we had to cut down a huge tree that has shaded our front lawn, been climbed by every child who visited and stands proudly in the family event photos taken over the years. It has been sick for several years but neither my husband or I could bear to part with it so we ignored the truth. After the wind and ice storms of the past year I knew that we had taken all the chances we had with the tree making it and realized having it fall on the new front porch my husband built would not be worth the sentimental feelings. I took a hundred pictures the day it came down. Filled my house with colored leaf arrangements! Today (months later) the stump has still not come out, but there is a new freedom in the front yard. Possibilities for grass to actually grow. Two other trees that were hidden by this one are now showing off their beauty. More people have complimented the front porch. I can see at this moment my front lawn pictures where I am drifting. I am the planet who lost it's tree somehow and I have looked at a hundred photos of my life wondering for awhile if there was anywhere else to go. Honestly blogging about who I really am is opening my eyes. New orbits are beginning to appear that I might actually want to attach to.......................
Writing is energizing to me. I am amazed at how much I learn about myself as my fingers work the keyboard. Some people I suppose may think through exactly what they are going to say, but for me writing is the moment. It is the response to the now I am in. Being honest with the now I am actually in has only recently become part of my journey. Most of my life I have lived in the now of others around me. Taking seriously what needed to be done for those around me. Yesterday I was very honest about my moment as I wrote Finding Planet Carol- so much so that I hope my husband didn't read it! At the same time there is a freedom coming into my life by being honest. Recently we had to cut down a huge tree that has shaded our front lawn, been climbed by every child who visited and stands proudly in the family event photos taken over the years. It has been sick for several years but neither my husband or I could bear to part with it so we ignored the truth. After the wind and ice storms of the past year I knew that we had taken all the chances we had with the tree making it and realized having it fall on the new front porch my husband built would not be worth the sentimental feelings. I took a hundred pictures the day it came down. Filled my house with colored leaf arrangements! Today (months later) the stump has still not come out, but there is a new freedom in the front yard. Possibilities for grass to actually grow. Two other trees that were hidden by this one are now showing off their beauty. More people have complimented the front porch. I can see at this moment my front lawn pictures where I am drifting. I am the planet who lost it's tree somehow and I have looked at a hundred photos of my life wondering for awhile if there was anywhere else to go. Honestly blogging about who I really am is opening my eyes. New orbits are beginning to appear that I might actually want to attach to.......................
Monday, December 7, 2009
12.07.09
There is a new distraction keeping me from getting serious about planet repairs. This one is a lot of fun! As I ponder it's affect on me I have to admit over the years there are conflicting results to- "Christmas Shopping"! Giving to those I love is strong in me- I love seeing their reactions and the challenge of finding that "perfect" thing to surprise them with. Some of you reading this already want to toss me off a bridge, but hey it takes all kinds to make the world go round so if you hate shopping it's fine with me. You may even say I deserve the conflicting side of this event of my life. You see I get over tired, over stressed, eat too much junk food, and spend money that I don't have- checking my accounts 3 times a day in hopes that nothing bounces! I think part of the reason this is so much fun for me is it is an excuse to toss responsible actions to the wind! Society encourages us to eat- charge it- and don't think about the consequences until March 2010! It occurs to me that Planet Carol really likes neglecting herself- it is easier to make a few people happy and vouch for how wonderful you are than it is to face the realities that might strengthen Planet Carol to the degree I could truly make a difference in the quality of life for many. In every area of my life March 2010 always shows up and Planet Carol takes another hit that sends her reeling off alone in space once again. This year I am still drifting due to hard hits and yet still shopping- at the same time hope is bubbling somewhere deep in me so please don't blow me off just yet- I may need you to make it.........................
There is a new distraction keeping me from getting serious about planet repairs. This one is a lot of fun! As I ponder it's affect on me I have to admit over the years there are conflicting results to- "Christmas Shopping"! Giving to those I love is strong in me- I love seeing their reactions and the challenge of finding that "perfect" thing to surprise them with. Some of you reading this already want to toss me off a bridge, but hey it takes all kinds to make the world go round so if you hate shopping it's fine with me. You may even say I deserve the conflicting side of this event of my life. You see I get over tired, over stressed, eat too much junk food, and spend money that I don't have- checking my accounts 3 times a day in hopes that nothing bounces! I think part of the reason this is so much fun for me is it is an excuse to toss responsible actions to the wind! Society encourages us to eat- charge it- and don't think about the consequences until March 2010! It occurs to me that Planet Carol really likes neglecting herself- it is easier to make a few people happy and vouch for how wonderful you are than it is to face the realities that might strengthen Planet Carol to the degree I could truly make a difference in the quality of life for many. In every area of my life March 2010 always shows up and Planet Carol takes another hit that sends her reeling off alone in space once again. This year I am still drifting due to hard hits and yet still shopping- at the same time hope is bubbling somewhere deep in me so please don't blow me off just yet- I may need you to make it.........................
Thursday, December 3, 2009
12.03.09
Who I want to be.....The philanthropist who not only has everything he wants, but enough to solve global issues as well! It is amazing what a small piece of the universe Planet Carol truly is- a pebble on the smallest meteor out there! If I go into the city I am the unnoticed worker in a colony of ants. Those who live in my 4 square mile universe would more likely call me the Queen Bee. Queen over what? I am observing my life under a microscope and finding that the pull to find myself is all happening within me. I've lived outside myself. I see a need and become the Queen Bee and direct my heart out to make sure it is met. This can be very rewarding in and of itself for the moment, but we live in a world of vast need and meeting one is quickly forgotten in the multiple needs that appear immediately after! All the while I am busy directing need meeting there are needs inside my own heart that are ignored each minute, each hour, each day, each month, each year- and gone unmet I have become so needy myself that I no longer have anything to give and find myself helpless in becoming the Queen Bee over myself. Where I have typically been motivated and energized to help others- the energy to fix my own planet eludes me. With the exception of 2 adorable grandchildren I seem to have zero motivation for needed repairs...............
Who I want to be.....The philanthropist who not only has everything he wants, but enough to solve global issues as well! It is amazing what a small piece of the universe Planet Carol truly is- a pebble on the smallest meteor out there! If I go into the city I am the unnoticed worker in a colony of ants. Those who live in my 4 square mile universe would more likely call me the Queen Bee. Queen over what? I am observing my life under a microscope and finding that the pull to find myself is all happening within me. I've lived outside myself. I see a need and become the Queen Bee and direct my heart out to make sure it is met. This can be very rewarding in and of itself for the moment, but we live in a world of vast need and meeting one is quickly forgotten in the multiple needs that appear immediately after! All the while I am busy directing need meeting there are needs inside my own heart that are ignored each minute, each hour, each day, each month, each year- and gone unmet I have become so needy myself that I no longer have anything to give and find myself helpless in becoming the Queen Bee over myself. Where I have typically been motivated and energized to help others- the energy to fix my own planet eludes me. With the exception of 2 adorable grandchildren I seem to have zero motivation for needed repairs...............
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Who's fault is it? It starts in early childhood when Mom wants to know who drew on the wall with the crayon. She only has a 50/50 chance of getting the right answer. Older brother may blame the baby brother who looks at older sister with his sweet brown eyes. Then sister looks at older brother and senses he is innocent so not being able to bear the thought of baby brother being in trouble takes the blame herself. Or maybe at your house the girls blamed the boys for everything. I need more energy. Who's fault is it that I need to lose weight? My husbands jean size has been 33/33 since the day we married. He makes popcorn every night and eats 4 meals a day. It's his fault! Mom always had sweets and made us clean our plates. It's her fault! My Dad's family tends to be overweight. It's his fault! I have a list of stresses. It's not shorter or longer than yours- it's my very own and very real. As a result I have developed my own "Stress Busters!" Ice cream works really well followed by M&M's, chocolate chip cookies etc..... Taking full responsibility for who I am seems to overwhelming right now. After all I have been taken advantage of, thrown too many hats to wear, suffered loss and deep hurts. Right now as I am writing this I the thought has come to me that perhaps this isn't about who I am, but who I want to be....................
Monday, November 30, 2009
11.30.09
Is your life ruled by a schedule or routine? Most everyone I know seems to be. It makes sense in light of the fact the universe operates on rotations that cause the sun to appear in the morning and set at night. Some of you live near the poles and don't experience that- I can't imagine adjusting to sunshine at night or darkness in the day- I hate it when the sun goes down at 5:30 in the winter months! My family is spread all over the world- one brother is 6 hours behind me and another 6 hours ahead. I traveled to South Africa one summer and was amazed at the real meaning of jet lag- entering a time zone other than your own. This holiday weekend upset my routine. On Friday I kept thinking it was Saturday. By Sunday the work load I decided to pretend didn't exist during the Holiday began to cause pressure in the back of my neck! I have said all this to say that even though I had lots of fun with family and friends, lots of play and hugs from the children, and received some valuable spiritual insight at my church service- still I find myself lost in the universe this Monday morning- a plumper planet still in search of my orbit. Do you see me as just high maintenance? Perhaps needing a "chill pill"? My Dad used to tell me to "lighten up"! Knowing I am just a speck in the universe somehow drives me even harder to be a speck of purpose and meaning even though at the moment I lack the energy to look for it....
Is your life ruled by a schedule or routine? Most everyone I know seems to be. It makes sense in light of the fact the universe operates on rotations that cause the sun to appear in the morning and set at night. Some of you live near the poles and don't experience that- I can't imagine adjusting to sunshine at night or darkness in the day- I hate it when the sun goes down at 5:30 in the winter months! My family is spread all over the world- one brother is 6 hours behind me and another 6 hours ahead. I traveled to South Africa one summer and was amazed at the real meaning of jet lag- entering a time zone other than your own. This holiday weekend upset my routine. On Friday I kept thinking it was Saturday. By Sunday the work load I decided to pretend didn't exist during the Holiday began to cause pressure in the back of my neck! I have said all this to say that even though I had lots of fun with family and friends, lots of play and hugs from the children, and received some valuable spiritual insight at my church service- still I find myself lost in the universe this Monday morning- a plumper planet still in search of my orbit. Do you see me as just high maintenance? Perhaps needing a "chill pill"? My Dad used to tell me to "lighten up"! Knowing I am just a speck in the universe somehow drives me even harder to be a speck of purpose and meaning even though at the moment I lack the energy to look for it....
Thursday, November 26, 2009
11.26.09
When you are sitting on the side of the road like a lost pup there is a lot of time for reflection. It see-saws back and forth between "where am I?" to remembrances of where I've been. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Even though the trees are bare there are plenty of leaves to walk through- kick around and scrunch beneath your feet. I always feel most like a child again on Thanksgiving. A favorite Aunt of mine and I would sit at the family dessert table loaded with at least 20 different delicacies. We would stay until we had tasted each one. Perhaps that is part of what has been missing and caused me to roam blindly in the universe. I haven't spent enough time in recent years taking time to taste and enjoy both the traditional desserts I love, but the new ones presented to me daily. Happy Thanksgiving! (of course-my grand kids are the picture!)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
11.25.09
Actually being lost is not new to me. I have lived in the same city for 20 years and still have to call and get help with directions when I venture beyond my usual daily rounds. Once I called my son in law who has lived his whole life here and told him where I was and his first question was are your doors locked and windows up? Followed by - How in the world did you end up there? Don't hang up until I tell you to. I think there may be a GPS headed for my Christmas stocking due to the concern of my family:) When I ponder these moments of being lost there are many emotions that have accompanied the experience. Sometimes a bit of anger or frustration, but never fear, and often a sense of excitement as I am embarking on a new adventure. Then there was the thankfulness for friends and family just a call away always willing to help get me on the right road. I need to think about this- because the realization Planet Carol was lost brought me to a halt. I just pulled over like there was nothing to do but sit on the side of the road like a lost pup....
Actually being lost is not new to me. I have lived in the same city for 20 years and still have to call and get help with directions when I venture beyond my usual daily rounds. Once I called my son in law who has lived his whole life here and told him where I was and his first question was are your doors locked and windows up? Followed by - How in the world did you end up there? Don't hang up until I tell you to. I think there may be a GPS headed for my Christmas stocking due to the concern of my family:) When I ponder these moments of being lost there are many emotions that have accompanied the experience. Sometimes a bit of anger or frustration, but never fear, and often a sense of excitement as I am embarking on a new adventure. Then there was the thankfulness for friends and family just a call away always willing to help get me on the right road. I need to think about this- because the realization Planet Carol was lost brought me to a halt. I just pulled over like there was nothing to do but sit on the side of the road like a lost pup....
Saturday, November 21, 2009
11.21.09
In our universe there are so many avenues to alleviate pain. The head pain connected to some neck pain so I checked into Physical Therapy (and got a cute one to boot!) and Planet Carol started feeling better. Feeling better means you clock back in and start functioning as usual- right? The problem was that all the meteor wars around me refused to acknowlege I was still in a stage of recuperation and kept taking shots at me that were causing damage deep on the inside. It was a pain so deep within me that only I could feel it and know that is was spreading. The zooming planet that everyone knew was unrecognizable. I couldn't find the orbit I had always followed and was unable to explain the reason why. You see there is a list of reasons, and believe me they are good ones that would make your hair curl and wonder how I had ever zoomed around- but I had. One thing I knew was I wasn't just worn out- I had enough of my optomisn left to find the courage to look for my orbit- I just couldn't quite remember what it looked like...............
In our universe there are so many avenues to alleviate pain. The head pain connected to some neck pain so I checked into Physical Therapy (and got a cute one to boot!) and Planet Carol started feeling better. Feeling better means you clock back in and start functioning as usual- right? The problem was that all the meteor wars around me refused to acknowlege I was still in a stage of recuperation and kept taking shots at me that were causing damage deep on the inside. It was a pain so deep within me that only I could feel it and know that is was spreading. The zooming planet that everyone knew was unrecognizable. I couldn't find the orbit I had always followed and was unable to explain the reason why. You see there is a list of reasons, and believe me they are good ones that would make your hair curl and wonder how I had ever zoomed around- but I had. One thing I knew was I wasn't just worn out- I had enough of my optomisn left to find the courage to look for my orbit- I just couldn't quite remember what it looked like...............
Friday, November 20, 2009
11.20.09
This is Friday. All new things start on Monday- everybody knows that! But you see I am lost in the universe at the moment. Somewhere this past year the zooming planet Carol that was always in orbit busy busy busy- and happy in the busy- got off track and starting running into meteors, barely escaping deadly collisions with other planets, and eventually ran completely out of energy. I came to a complete stop and found myself drifting in space without identity or purpose. Life that had been exciting and fullfilling became mundane and rote. I decided to get some help when some pieces of my planet began to crumble and fall away. I had never been to a professional counselor before- I had been the counselor in my busy happy world! It was a big step. I did good that first day- even felt a speck of hope. Then I came out of the office, tripped over a landing in the floor ramming the front of my head into the wall which bounced me back causing me to hit the back of my head on the wooden doorframe. I was taken to the emergency room and sent home with pain killers for my concussion. Now I am a planet drifting in pain.......
This is Friday. All new things start on Monday- everybody knows that! But you see I am lost in the universe at the moment. Somewhere this past year the zooming planet Carol that was always in orbit busy busy busy- and happy in the busy- got off track and starting running into meteors, barely escaping deadly collisions with other planets, and eventually ran completely out of energy. I came to a complete stop and found myself drifting in space without identity or purpose. Life that had been exciting and fullfilling became mundane and rote. I decided to get some help when some pieces of my planet began to crumble and fall away. I had never been to a professional counselor before- I had been the counselor in my busy happy world! It was a big step. I did good that first day- even felt a speck of hope. Then I came out of the office, tripped over a landing in the floor ramming the front of my head into the wall which bounced me back causing me to hit the back of my head on the wooden doorframe. I was taken to the emergency room and sent home with pain killers for my concussion. Now I am a planet drifting in pain.......
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