12.22.09

Today I received a present from someone that really surprised me! I had no idea that they cared about me or even liked me that much. That element of surprise felt so good. When I opened it and found out that what was inside was very thoughtful and chosen just for me I really felt loved! It caused me to look at that person with new eyes, realizing that somewhere in our walk together I had been preoccupied in our relationship and they were obviously feeling something that I was missing out on. I believe this is definitely part of the breakdown in planet carol. Being so preoccupied and busy doing somewhere I stopped receiving some things that I needed to keep going strong.

I will never forget running out of gas on a main interstate highway with my Mom a couple years back. She was 76 at the time and has never paid a bill late or let her gas tank get below the half full mark! I was frustrated and embarrassed, but she was frightened by my irresponsibility as the trucks whizzed by us. (She asked me how much gas I had every time she got in the car for months afterwards!) I was so busy taking Mom places I fell short in being prepared in a way that would ensure a safe and happy experience.

Years back I worked as an Activities Director in a very state of the art home. Because of my loyalty and detail to professionalism combined with God’s heart in mine for the people I was drawn into more and more leadership responsibilities (without pay increase of course) and the job became 24/7. When they approached me about adding travel and training with pay I realized that I was giving my life away to a corporation and I have a husband and 3 children who were first in my heart, but never getting the best of me. God gave me the wisdom to leave. I believe the person I so eloquently described above is termed a workaholic! I left the job, but the workaholic never left me! I took it to every job I’ve ever had, though I did give more of the best of me to the ones I love the most.

As I have floated “lost in space” this year there is a vision slowly coming into focus for the first time. While I feel like I am in a bubble alone I keep seeing people smiling at me from a distance. Some hold onto the bubble and float with me for awhile; others are using hammers and chisels trying to break through. I don’t know yet if they want to rescue me or just come inside and ride along for awhile. But this one thing I know- Nothing has separated me from the love of God. He has been in this bubble all along. As I have become more and more aware of His presence what began as a scary ride is now more comfortable. Though I know He has always been there I sadly admit that I have been surprised by His gifts of peace and joy. He knows me to core of my being. I have not been receiving the fuel for life He has for me. A car can only circle the gas station so many times before it will run out and have to be pulled in and serviced. I think I’ve made the Lord dizzy zipping around His station……………………………………….