12.10.09

Attach to. My previous entry ended in those words and I am reacting to the thought. Planet Carol has been quick to make commitments and attach myself to others both personally or in joining a project. To me it is all about loyalty, dedication, hard work, and going the extra mile. Many of these commitments remain with me to this day, but others were for a season and the job has been completed. Usually the completion brings with it celebration, lots of good vibes and feelings. Occasionally it is simply a relief it is over. And then there are the experiences that drain you and leave you broken hearted and feeling helpless. No matter which catagory they fall- over the long term most of these accomplishments are forgotten completely or a memory to relive once in awhile. Somehow whether it was celebration or recuperation at the end I always find myself lost wondering what to do next. At the same time things I've neglected during the project come screaming into the moment. My body yells for care- the house is a disaster- I find a list of things I meant to do still undone- relationships like my husband look at me like-"hello, do I know you?" This happened this year. Only I didn't find another project to distract me from them. It has been a moment of recuperaion and I didn't bounce back. I got sick. I quit doing some of my commitments. I looked around me and felt like a stranger in my own home. For the first time in my life I made decisions not to attach myself to anything. The optomism and fight that have kept me zipping around the universe left me suddenly- like a balloon that is popped and falls deflated. For some reason I am laughing right now thinking of one of the many Navy songs we learned from our Dad "What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning....." Is the question do I want to attach to anyone or anything or is it that I don't believe anyone truly wants to attach to me- the "drunken sailor" who isn't worth the trouble? The real me I am searching to define may or may not be all about loyalty, hard work and going the second mile. Today I want something more than to be needed or used- I want to be liked - someone you would desire to be around. I'm floating right now because there are a lot of things about me I don't like so I figure why would you..........