12.15.09
How do I feel about you Lord? I love you I love you I love you! I am utterly amazed at your grace over me when I wander as if you aren’t even there, yet at that moment deep within me I know you are there.
I think that you are humble- to desire to have me as a friend and companion- and I am just something you made out of dirt! Yet you wanted me enough to blow your own breath into me and give me life.
I think you are patience. Your love for me stays steady even though I continually don’t do what you know is best for me. I try to be you and you just smile knowing my intent though I am completely missing the point- that you are you in me and if I would just let go of trying to be something you could actually become something in me that comes out of me and yet it would be all you.
I think you are empathetic. You know me better than I know myself, partly because you became like me- a body of flesh- and experienced all a body can experience- including spirit, soul, mind, heart, seeing both good and evil, touching things both pleasant and unpleasant, hearing beauty and ugliness, feeling acceptance and rejection, loving every human being regardless of how they lived and hating only the real enemy- the devil.
My feelings for you are desperate because of my own insecurities. I know that I have not even tapped into the provisions in the spirit that are there for me and I am afraid that I will live a shallow existence because of my inability to overcome my own lazy flesh. In my pride over my accomplishments that I know are only because I responded to your wisdom and guidance and most often gave you all the glory for them- yet my body is weary and I find I really don’t want to respond anymore to anything that sounds like sacrifice- that I just want to be selfish and let others carry the ball. I know I have broken my own rule that you put in my heart years ago- that all my expectations should come from you and no man. Let me just repent of that right now.
You are trust. So if I can’t trust you there exists no trust in the universe! Over and over you have been there for me without ever disappointing me (ok wait, I have been disappointed- my husband is not healed of diabetes, my son fighting the battle of a mental illness and maybe there is a longer list I don’t care to dig for right now) Even in these disappointments I haven’t blamed you because I know you. I know that you want all to be healed. I know you want all to be saved. I would say that it is not you that I don’t trust- it is me. I don’t trust me to trust you with things. Why is that? You are my God and have shown yourself to me in my prayer closet when no one else understood. You have baptized me with the Holy Spirit. I understand that in you I have a Father, a Savior, and a daily presence to guide me. I have been the recipient of many miracles in my life undeniably even in the eyes of unbelievers to have come directly from you. I have been content and satisfied with you when others wanted me to have more possessions and recognition on the earth and I truly didn’t care about it. Perhaps right now in this state of weariness I find myself in I desire more of this world. Is that normal? As I write it I see it as ridiculous.
You are fun. The best times of my life have been with you. Experiencing joy so exuberating I couldn’t help but dance. Experiencing peace so penetrating that I left the world around me sharing with you only in a cloud that had no cares. I have laughed with you over the silly things in life. I have stood in awe with you at the births of my children, miracle healing of the baby with cancer, and that a check didn’t bounce that should have. Experienced gratefulness in the provision of need ($ for college, groceries when broke, gifts for my children I couldn’t pay for, ministry needs met, a mission trip to South Africa, strength and guidance to care for the members of Crossroads, returning Mom to me after being kidnapped, and on and on and on I could go…..) Every time you show up we smile at each other because I know you are there- loving me- liking me- protecting me. You like me- so why can’t I get over myself and like me too?
You have the answer. Somehow I am blocking myself from seeing what I know is right there. It is like a silly cartoon where you are handing me my birthday cake and I refuse to open my eyes to see it, open my ears to hear you say take it, move my arms to reach out and touch it, have a clothes pin on my nose so I can’t smell it, and allow my taste buds to water and not be satisfied. I am truly the most stupid person on earth. And yet I sense you don’t see me as stupid. You still desire fellowship with me. Your mercy is new every moment and you remain patient. You have empathy for my struggle and believe in my ability to make it even when I don’t. You stand there willing for me to trust you in spite of myself. And somehow in the midst even this moment I am smiling because you know the fun we have shared has only just begun.
How do I feel about you? You are God- the one and only God- and I accept you today as Lord of my life, companion of my life, friend in my life and with you I can find my orbit.......