Today is February 26, 2010. Since December 1st I’ve been speaking to my Christmas Cactus to bloom. This is the only plant I talk to (though it has been proven scientifically to have benefits), but I really wanted to see the blooms this year. Even though Christmas came and went without any blooms I’ve continued to talk to this plant which sits in my study area. This week it is blooming. 2 ½ months late! I must say however, in defense of the “late bloomer” that this week the very things that drove Planet Carol to a complete stop are all rearing their ugly heads. What a beautiful reminder to me that timing doesn’t always accommodate our personal plans when dealing with plants or people yet the outcome can still be wonderful.
All my life trusting Jesus has been second hand nature for me- something very real. Yet I see where I’ve fallen short of the 100% mark as I consider the physical proof of my missing the mark and trying to do it myself or find comfort in places that only provide a temporary fix that actually has a long term affect (isn’t that a clever way to describe a stress eating problem!).

I can picture the Lord speaking to me- saying bloom- you can do it! The cactus will be my hope image as I continue to find my way…………………………………

Setback. Disappointment. Loss. Here we go again. You can add your own description to whatever situation is trying to steal the peace and satisfaction in your day. What do we do in the battle? I am humbled to tell you that most often as pictured above I have attempted to tackle the battle head on with equipment that I was never created to use. (I can’t even lift the saw in the picture!) And just like pictured above I end up looking scary and people definitely want to distance themselves from me!


For me closing in is also a tactic. I just shut down like I am paralyzed and can’t move. Sometimes I run away- to food, a computer game, a book that has no meaning. In this state most often the situation goes on, but the point is that whether it turns out ok or not I have been robbed of life and purpose and joy because I couldn’t let go. When you really really really care about something or someone it is very very very hard to let go when things are not good even if you know that you know that you know you can’t do anything about it. Some things just feel really bad. Jesus prayed Father if possible let this cup pass from me- nevertheless I am willing to follow through no matter what it costs. For Him the pain was worth the gain. For me not to trust that He has already paid the price so I can trust Him with my body, soul, and spirit and guide me through this life until the day we are together in heaven is to disrespect the gain- His presence with me on this earth every minute, every hour.

I need to open up to Him. Jesus is the answer for me in everything. Without Him our lives cannot be satisfied………………………………….

Does God roll His eyes? Does He say “whatever”? Does He have “attitude” obvious to everyone? These are questions I wonder about sometimes, but then today I am thinking that I’ve asked them in my search to be like God, but really what I want the answer to be is that God is like me! NOT. It is truly amazing how very different each of us is- for even relationships we enjoy because we have so much in common- the truth is there are distinct differences between us and those close friends. We simply tolerate them more because of what we do share that is so positive! I love the prodigal son’s father who I picture as standing quietly in faith for his son. I doubt the father participated in dinner conversations talking about the awful things his son was doing. Others were angry, but he was simply sad and wanted things to be right. When his prayers were answered his reaction as he hugged and blessed his son said it all!

Sunday night I asked the children to knock on a door and keep knocking. I asked them how long they would do that until someone came and of course they were already done waiting. I explained to them that God wasn’t like us. Jesus stands at the door of our hearts knocking and stays there until we answer. Why????? Because He created us for relationship and knows how valuable it can be and considered it worth the cross to have it with us.

Sputtering, searching, silently screaming on the inside for help Planet Carol is discovering it is not help she needs- it is response to a loving God who is always waiting for me. Perhaps today I will replace the wood in my heart for a glass pane or better yet a screen the Holy Spirit can flow through………………..

It is very interesting to me that when we respond to truly stressful situations with emotions that there is some kind of code that makes everyone around uncomfortable. In “Father of the Bride” George admits his daughter comes from a long line of over reactors and over reaction can lead to being wrong. Reaction however is NORMAL! In life are many extremes and usually either end causes a problem. A person who does not ever express emotion may explode one day and the “over-reactor” may be ignored in a moment of true sincere need. Planet Carol has been known to express her opinion quite strongly over the years and hasn’t really had a problem expressing emotions (my friends are laughing), but this past year I swung the pendulum the other way and had nothing to say at all. Understandably people didn’t know how to respond. Though friendship and love stayed true- for a long season people didn’t know what to do with me! Sputtering around in a dense fog was scary and opened the doors to fears I had never faced before. Coming slowly back into the light I am finding a few things to be true as a result of the reconstruction of my planet:

1. I am a better listener- I found out the joy of truly being listened to.
2. Empathy comes easier when an “over-reactor” crosses my path.
3. I am fully convinced that I do not have the answer to another’s problem. We must find those on our own receiving only the input true for our personal quest.
4. Appreciation and gratefulness is flowing out of me daily for God, family, and friends -for with them is where living exists!

Over-reaction undoubtedly will escape from this planet and shoot into the galaxy on occasion in the future. Looking on the bright side- I love fireworks……………………..

Yawning a lot this week so I am wondering- am I tired? No real reason for that. Perhaps I just need more air! Definitely not bored- but then again we can be really busy and still be bored. Sometimes there are days that I feel that I am in a coma and though I am participating in life it feels like I am just watching it from a distance. Splashing cold water on my face or standing on the porch in my pajamas in 30 degrees can be helpful, but I take this comatose state seriously knowing that if I don’t find a way out it will lead to depression or unintended mishaps in my day. It has occurred to me when my planet stalled this past year that I have more decision making power about what will happen in my day than I was operating in. The weakness that overtook me while fighting the collisions in my universe caused me to give up and believe the lie that I just might not make it through.

As I review the year I realize that I was never alone. The Lord was always there. So were friends and family and empathetic colleagues. In every situation, every day I had a choice to make. Receive the love and support or stay a close distance away and suffer alone. Deciding I needed help was the best decision of my life. It is freeing to know that you are not alone. It is amazing to find how many others are suffering the same hurts and frustrations that you have. What is it about the American “John Wayne” image- of the famous song-“I Did It My Way” that makes us think accomplishment is only true when we do it alone. Jesus surrounded himself with disciples on the earth knowing that the salvation He was to die for would only be received as people shared the experience. Today I will reach out in life and share an experience with someone and just maybe I’ll notice I’m no longer yawning but rejuvenated…………………..

Here it is- “Neva’s Room”! I didn’t mention that one of my dear grandmothers is known for her stacks of clutter. No matter how many times I take a whole day to make it clean and perfect and make a path to walk- within days my office returns to the “Neva Room”. I know where everything is, it’s just that I am easily distracted from one project to another and there are never less than 20 projects going on! My husband rarely enters into this room knowing there is no place there for him and he doesn’t want to be responsible for messing up a special plan hidden in the stacks! The rest of the house is really nice- this is my personal haven for work and play. My daughter hung the word LAUGH in the window to remind me it’s always ok to laugh and be happy no matter the challenge in life. This room contains the heartache as well as the joy of my life so the reminder is welcome!

I was meditating this morning on how a room like this- full of my stuff- is a very alone place. It’s good to have that place, but to live in a place that has no space for another to share is not a good thing. I realized that my planet got stuck in space full of so much stuff weighing it down it could no longer operate. No one could get in because there was no pathway to walk through. As I am heading back out to orbit part of the process has been to clean out the junk that stalled me. That junk includes hurt, loneliness, frustration, disappointment and failure. I have asked the Lord to help me clean up this clutter and make room in my heart. A room prepared for and fit for the King that He is. I want my heart to be so appealing and comfortable that He will never want to leave- but will abide there to teach me and guide me daily. I am laughing knowing He’s actually been in this mess, but as I clean up I am seeing Him more clearly…………………………………

A wish I have for every child is that they would have a grandmother as fun as both of mine. My Dad’s mom taught me to play scrabble, row a boat (I didn’t like the fishing part) create new games out of what was available (turtle races at the lake!), love reading and not be too proud to pee in a quart jar. My mother’s mom gave me my love of crafts and always had one planned for me when I visited. She also taught me exploration as we gathered shells on the beach and looked up to see what they were called. Though both had a stern side you didn’t cross my first thought of them is always the memories of the fun we had together! Now I get to be a fun grandma and it is the greatest joy of my life. Pictured above are some of the cookies I baked to be decorated at our 4 generations cookie party- My Mom, myself, my daughter, and my 2 grandkids! These moments are what life is worth living for- sharing experiences with those we love.

The definition of a fun grandma is different for every one of us. (Many have no grandmother or the situation was so dysfunctional they have no happy memory. God has promised to be for you what you do not have- think about it and you will probably remember someone who became the grandmother figure for you). If I were to ask my 4 brothers or my sister they would each have their own favorite memory. One was that one grandma always had a candy dish full! I tend to go for the complicated projects because that is what I love to do- but being a fun person doesn’t require work – it requires time.

Our children remember one grandpa for racing around the couch with them- and both grandpas for allowing them to “fix their hair”. This past year the grandchildren were aware that grandma wasn’t as much fun as usual and they worried about me orbiting alone in space (at that time they were 5&7). One time when I was especially sad and upset I went out to the car and hide and cry. My 5 year old granddaughter snuck out of the house and found me. She said simply, “I came to cheer you up grandma” and put a CD on and snuggled up with me. Her brother is also a big hugger and was constantly coming up to hug me and without words his eyes would say “don’t worry grandma- I will always be here”.

Those memories will stay with me as so precious forever, but I believe in childhood very strongly and too many children in the world are having to grow up before their time because we adults are so stressed out we no longer take time for quality fun time for ourselves or with our kids. The disciples felt that when they tried to shoo the kids away, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me” and He took time to love on them! It’s the best therapy in my world. Planet Carol is discovering how to play again- alone-with the Lord- with friends & family. No matter what crisis tries to steal me away I will not forget I was created for God’s pleasure and that includes playtime…………….

Snowed in with the rest of the nation, we decided to play Monopoly with the 2 young seminary students who live with us last night. Everyone knows the fun in the wheeling and dealing that goes on. Fairly early on in the game one of the guys made a deal with me that I would receive free passes the entire game on one set of property I gave him the last card to which resulted in a monopoly. In the fun of the game and teasing (as well as harassment I was taking being the only woman in the group) I totally forgot about the deal. A couple hours later I was paying him the second time for a hotel on this property and we called it quits with him as the winner! A little while later I overheard him laughing with my husband and upon investigation he told me about our deal that he forgot as well- It’s too late they all declared- He had already signed and dated the board as the winner! There will be another time and I will be alert was my declaration to pacify myself in the loss that had been preventable.

As I reflected upon this later I thought of all the things Jesus has promised me and just as my friend would have made good on his promise had I remembered it, Jesus always makes good on His. I realized how much of the time I live my life in distractions and honestly forget the promises of God in the madness of the moment of life. When I remember them the madness can be addressed by speaking the promises as stated in the Word of God and dissipated. As a result all power to attach to my emotions and faith are gone. But undeclared the Word of God is there, is true, has power, but cannot save me in my circumstance. This monopoly game is a reminder that to stay focused on God and His wisdom will result in avoiding being duped unnecessarily in the challenges of life we face………………………..

Well it’s Valentine’s Day and you either love it or hate it! I’m a holiday girl and grab almost any excuse to decorate or celebrate, but isn’t it interesting how our culture takes the best (love) but the end result is often the worst (not getting any love) if no one responds on the appointed holiday! Many of us wives/lovers drop hints, make comments to direct a response, or worse case scenario buy our own gift and say, “look what you got me for Valentines Day!” Is life a love game? I think that is a valid consideration. Planet Carol lost touch with who was/wasn’t loving her and has had to learn which rotations in life lead to the safe places where you can “feel the love”.

There have been relationships in life that I have tried to make work over and over, but the end result was deep hurt. I had to shut certain people out of my life when I realized that to return to the relationship again was no different than an abused wife returning to a husband who beats her. That was a dilemma for me for how could I shut someone out and still be a loving person. Call myself a Christian? I’ve come to see that even Jesus said there are times we have to shake the dust off our feet and move on. I love the people. I hate what they are doing. Shutting myself off frees me to move on knowing in my heart I always have and always will love them very much.

Complications like this in life are difficult, but the bottom line has been that I am loveable and though mistreatment happens and there often are times in the orbit of my planet I will be directed to love the unlovable as God Himself provides the grace and mercy to do so- that’s the key. His mercy is for me to- and sometimes His direction is this problem is not yours- I’ve got it- let it go and change course. The universe becomes so beautiful as I depart for a new destination…………………….

The giant fought hard and there were planet collisions all around me, but I had made up my mind to hold my ground and stay the course. This past year I have been in a war zone and the cause and effect on my life from my perspective is like surviving a tsunami. Everyone in our immediate family has been affected. We all have floundered as we’ve sought to rebuild our lives and get treatment for deep wounds. There have been needs difficult for others to understand and yet we have been blessed with support from family and friends.

Yesterday as we stood together fighting the giant I was aware that there was a renewed strength within me and a peace straight from heaven so strong I was never moved by what I saw. I knew that what I could do nothing about was being handled by the loving God I have trusted all these years. I knew that I knew Jesus was walking the path before us paving the way and we would not be forsaken ever- what He starts is always completed

If it bothers you that I write somewhat vaguely, know that it is because I am aware that though it feels like no one else suffers like we do, that there is no truth in that. Each of us has a personal challenge and though ours may not hit the headlines, for us the pain and struggle is real. No matter where we are or what our challenge is- the answers are the same. Seek the Lord with our whole heart, soul, and mind and follow His wisdom as it is revealed to us. Jesus loves me this I know and I am submitting my thinking to Him and finding peace- it is real- it feels good- it’s His plan for me to live there in the midst. His peace is not the ocean kind either- It annihilates all the enemies and provides a safe place for me to live- sweet………………………

Every day has its own challenge, but today I am headed out to face the “giant” in my life. It’s a mean powerful giant with lots of power to make decisions I may or may not want. For all you wrestling fans this might sound fun, but this would be more like tossing your baby in the ring to fight the champion! How do I face a day like this- I wonder how you do? Yes, I am a praying woman. Yes, I do put all things in God’s hands and put my trust in Him- but nevertheless I would rather not have to be a participant in the fight- especially if it is repetitive as this one is.

Sometimes I am sure that I would have been bored in the Garden of Eden and just because of that I Planet Carol would have taken the apple just for an adventure and the whole world would be blaming Adam & Carol! Today I long for the Garden of Eden- a world where no cares exist and all is perfect. It isn’t going to happen like that and if it did I would just get bored again and cause some other excitement (notice I didn’t say trouble). Here is what is different about today because of my journey to find Planet Carol.

1. I am learning to accept help and support wherever it is offered to me.
2. My expectations of myself have been given to God and no matter what I do right or wrong today I know that I am unconditionally loved.
3. My expectations of those around me have been given to God and I am more committed than ever to support and love them wherever they are at in whatever they do or say.
4. I am more grateful than ever for the real blessings that have surrounded me in my life and am learning as I stay focused on them my days are filled with more peace and joy and contentment.

I am off! This day shall pass and tomorrow I’ll let you know where this planet is……………

Writing this blog has rejuvenated my overall zest for life. Many of you who have read it have commented that you can relate too many of the challenges that I have faced and it is a strong message of hope to us to know that we are not alone. It’s really funny how easily we are taken in by an image put before us and allow that image to make us feel lesser somehow- not measuring up. A great example is the old black and white TV show where busy housewife Donna Reed is always in a dress and pearls with her hair perfect running the vacuum, doing laundry and cooking. Get real! On the other hand it happens every day. We have the perception our coworkers have it all together, our friends have their children completely under control, no one else is eating macaroni and cheese (the 39 cent box type), and we even go to church and see friends dressed up with their all is perfect in my world smile. My husband and I have had some of our “best” fights on the way to church! Keeping up with the Joneses is absolutely not worth any effort and comparing myself to another is sad to God. He made me unique and gave me Jesus to guide my way in finding myself. No other can lead me into a path of satisfaction and fullness in my life.

Today I didn’t particularly want to write, but this is the path Jesus is leading me through. It is my outlet to explore the universe I am in and find others out there to connect to, join with- receive from and give to! If we only act when inspired few may be the significant actions in our life. If we follow the path Jesus is putting before us in obedience regardless of how we feel- I am finding a surprising spurt of energy and hope as a result…………..

Physical and emotional fatigue hits us both in the good times and the bad times. It is a fact that every human body faces. Every day on face book some friend will talk about exhaustion- reaching out for an encouraging word- a reason to stay in the race they have chosen to run- the desire to give up is overwhelmingly looming over this decade. I am the optimist in the family and over and over in my life have refused to give up or perhaps more accurately give in to whatever “doom” was trying to take over our lives. Though that be true, there are areas where I have given up over and over. Someone asked me once what my worst dream was and I replied, “Dying and waking up in heaven fat”.

Everyone has their personal challenges to fight or ignore. I am a fighter and that is both strength and a weakness- Planet Carol fought herself into a point of exhaustion that took her breath away. The punch came in and I was knocked out still on the floor when the referee stopped counting. I came to bewildered and unsure about what hit me and saw stars for weeks afterwards as I tried to get my bearings to go on. This punch wasn’t physical, but it felt every bit as physical as if I had been in the boxing ring!

For me it has been easier and more gratifying to give grace than to receive it for myself. It has also been an area of pride that I see a need to repent of- thinking I didn’t need grace when I was the neediest mess around! Unaware that I thought I had it all together- the leader of the pack, when the pack was looking at me hoping I would seek help! When I did there was this flow of relief from those around me that quite frankly shocked me. How can we have such a distorted picture of who we really are and be so blind to what we really need? For me the answer lies in relationship error and I am being freed as I submit myself to repairs. I’ve checked into the Spiritual Maintenance 101 and am allowing the Holy Spirit to make repairs in my heart. Looking more closely and listening to the ones I love with ears to really hear what they have to say. Facing the photos that depict the truth and finding peace in the midst of who I really am rather than who I think or thought I was.

Yesterday my granddaughter was squeezing my fingers one at a time. Giggling, she looked up at me and said, “Grandma, you have very squishy fingers.” Tickling all grandmas’ squishy parts ensued! Children tell it as they see it. They also tell it with unconditional love- for at any moment she felt my feelings were hurt she was quick to hug and reassure me I was her perfect grandma. For all the sputtering planets out there I just want to say there are orbits to connect to that will put us back on track. I will seek the Lord with all my heart-focused energy-and purposeful thoughts and lean not to mine own understanding (of which I don’t have any of anyway) and in everything I do I will look to Lord and know that He will be faithful to me and direct my path as I keep my eyes on Him (Proverbs 3:5-6 Planet Carol Version)......

Celebrating 35 years of marriage today! I was the birthday present- a gift that has kept on giving…………. There won’t be a book about how we have all the answers and got it all perfect, but there is a legacy of sincere love and loyalty to each other that continues to be built brick upon brick each year. We are planning a trip sometime this year, but today I sent him to work with the first 10 pieces of a 35 piece puzzle I made for him. That is what I love the most- creating memories with innovative ideas even though as with this one- perhaps on the “cheesy” side when all is said and done It is my happy place.

Someone once told me that I didn’t play enough. I think there is a saying that all work and no play makes for a dull girl. Somewhere in my upbringing, though there was plenty of play that happened, I always felt I had to earn the playtime. It’s true that when I sputtered in space this past year and lost my way I had quit doing the fun things- all serious and all work. Looking back I can see myself trying to earn God’s grace and mercy in the circumstances that engulfed me. That is not the God I serve- His grace and mercy are free and when I quit trying and just allowed myself to receive His grace for myself I started playing again.

Haiti happened. There are murders every day. People everywhere have valid cries for help. I am going to do my part and listen to God with all my heart and hopefully make a difference in the pathway of my life. But I can do it with peace and joy in my heart without apology, for truly I am blessed………………………..