Whether we have really thought about it or not we all have certain people in our life that have made a lasting impression on us. I still can picture my 6th grade teacher- Mr. Nowns- who started each day by putting his chair on top of his desk which signaled we could discuss anything we chose (within reason of course) for the next 10 minutes and he would moderate. I actually fell in love with him and in hindsight I think it was because he was the first adult I had known who really listened to me and allowed as well as encouraged me to think for myself. I’m sure that is why he is the first name to pop out as I am floating in the universe feeling that I am alone- a step I must take is to trust myself to make decisions that are right for me. Amongst trillions of people on the earth who are the handful that have mentored me and why? In addition President Kennedy’s famous speech, "And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country", is not an easy question to answer on an individual level. History proves that it is the people we connect to and join with that usually results in something significant being accomplished.

A step I’ve taken this year is to read autobiographies of people I have admired and felt have contributed something special in their life. I began with Lester Summeral, world renowned church builder, speaker, writer, and founder of Feed the Hungry. Upon finishing the book I decided I had very little insight into what obeying God means- and those of you who know me know that I have considered myself to be a person who obeys the Lord. The recent passing of Oral Roberts put his autobiography next on my list. Both men are highly controversial especially in the Christian community. Whether you love them or hate them it is undeniable they achieved great influence in their lifetime that had a direct affect on many people and all over the world there are individuals who testify to their lives being changed- their quality of life both physically and spiritually improving and how forever grateful they are to God for these men. I am also reading a book a friend shared with me “Three Cups of Tea” which tells an amazing story of Greg Mortenson who out of gratefulness to impoverished Pakistanis for saving his life has built 55 schools particularly for girls in a culture that was impossible for this to happen, but it did. The point is that I feel that aside from my immediate family and friends my life is not one that impacts much. Then yesterday I reunited with a friend from years ago. We were neighbors when we had our first child and both our husbands worked at night so we often played together and then after the kids went to sleep played a lot of scrabble. We moved a year later, but over the years our paths crossed a few times and she lived with her 2 kids near us for a while. Her daughter was born several years later than my girls so except when they visited and the time we lived close I didn’t know her well. The same day I reconnected with my friend her daughter asked to be my friend on face book. I accepted saying how honored I was that she even remembered me. This is her response:
“How could I ever forget! What a wonderful example of family and God's love you all showed me as a girl! Thank you for that! Hope everyone is well! Keep in touch!”

Oral Roberts said several things that caught my attention in the introductory pages. He said he learned to believe his beliefs and doubt his doubts. Planet Carol lost orbit doubting everything about life. It is time to decide and trust what I believe….....

I am going to buy 10 Bibles this week. It is an act of faith on my part along with my Church family that each of us may have 10 people see God in us and want to know more about Him. Then I look at myself and wonder what they are seeing. That is what appeal might a sputtering, blundering planet possibly have? Then I meditate on Psalm 139 where David declares God knows us completely from every thought to every bump! I go to the piano and begin to play from my heart and the song- It is Well With My Soul. While playing the song the only words I can only remember are, “When peace, like a river, attendeth my way……..” (and of course the powerful chorus repeating “ It is Well” over and over “With my Soul”). As I play it over and over the words sorrow, sin, and helpless come to mind so I leave the piano and like all spoiled Americans Google the lyrics to the song.

I’m thinking peace as the ocean waves over my feet and the sunshine perfect links my soul and I’m ok. You know- everything is good- I feel happy- all is well. I have achieved a level of utopia no matter how momentary- yeah! Don’t get me wrong- I miss a safe community, prayer in schools, and television without blatant sex and disgusting language- I want it to be different than it is today, but if it doesn’t change can I have some tranquility? Google is great and this is what I found:

Horatio G. Spafford wrote “It Is Well With My Soul” after two tragedies in his life. The Chicago Fire in 1871 ruined him financially and shortly after all four of his daughters died when their ship collided with another- only his wife was rescued. While traveling in the area where his daughters died the Holy Spirit gave him these words: (I dare you to get past the period language and read every word to the end!)

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul.


Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul!

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as the scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

I am going to purchase 10 Bibles………………………….

When Mr. Darcy describes his expectations from a woman in Pride and Prejudice, I love it when Lizzie says she has never seen such a woman and doubts that such a woman exists! Even if you don’t attend church somewhere at a Hallmark store you have seen a card describing the perfect woman in Proverbs 13- if you have matched her perfection please let me know as I have yet to meet her! In finding planet carol the main question is what kind of a woman am I and how to get her into action is the pressing question. We all have some that have made an impression on our lives and have become a mentor of sorts and could make a list of the qualities that we admire in them. Mine would go something like this:
1. Ability to stay calm no matter how strong the “storm is raging”
2. Having wisdom, but not necessarily sharing it right away- but knowing the right time.
3. Having true compassion for people both in their victories and in their needs.
4. Willing to give all the time, but even more gracious in receiving.
5. Quick to forgive.
6. Quick to share their gifts and talents with others.
7. Challenger to all those around her to be the person Jesus want them to be and have no fear or shame in being that herself.

I think Mr. Darcy would be ok with her. Sounds like the proverbial woman. Well- I haven’t met her yet- only pieces of her in those I esteem the most. I am at peace today with the fact that my greatest sin in this life is one of pride- that I could become her on my own, in my own strength. As I read my list of seven things some where in my life I have been that woman on one or two points- maybe as many as four at a time! But I have never been all seven- 24/7! I have now decided to rewrite my list based on James 1:12 (MSG Bible) “Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.” New list:
1. Stay loyally in love with God
2. Stay loyally in love with God
3. Stay loyally in love with God
4. Stay loyally in love with God
5. Stay loyally in love with God
6. Stay loyally in love with God
7. Stay loyally in love with God

God is forming my clay and as the bumper sticker has said for years- He is not finished with me yet…………………………………………..

Much to my physical demise I wake up most days wanting something sweet to start my day. My dad and I shared a piece of cake for breakfast more than occasionally. Sneaking one of Mom’s homemade chocolate chip cookies to eat on the way to the bus was a challenging feat with a very satisfying result. The thought, “She Wakes up Wanting Something Sweet” sounds like a good title for a children’s book. What do we wake up wanting? Sadly I hear more about what people wake up dreading- the test- their workload- housework- taking care of piled up business- a doctor visit- or (as pathetic as it may seem to you) I dread putting on my $100 tennis shoes and walking the mall route with the senior citizens! I dread the walking so much I can’t tell you the last time I did it. Starting our day with dread is directly related to our productivity. Unless we can get past the dread it will drain us emotionally and physically and greatly affect the ability to get anything done! We will spend time talking to others to justify our dread. Taking more time doing a job than needed is a way of rebelling against the one(s) who assigned it or made it necessary.

I know the stories of great men and women of God that started their day with hours of prayer. When I argued about having young children I was told the story of the mom of a great man of God who would sit in her kitchen with her apron over her head and pray. It was her “God” time and kids knew it and respected it. I’ve tried a dozen creative things over the years- even bought a second coffee pot that just made 2 cups and put it right by my bed so I didn’t even have to get up- just sip the coffee and do some reading and praying first. Though most of us are not successful with these good intentions for the “long haul” there is something very definitely true about how the start of our day affects the result of our day. Another secret I learned long before computers was that a restart button can have a wonderful affect! When the ____ computer won’t work right most often just pressing the reset button causes it to run much smoother. It takes a few minutes. We have to wait and put aside the task at hand during the process, but after we are more productive. As a manager if I found an employee unable to treat the children properly I would send them on a break to calm down and refocus. We can all stop a moment and we do- smokers smoke- friends email- shoppers go online for specials- movie buffs check what’s coming out- cell phone people text their friends- there is no one out there who can say they never take a break for personal time on the job. We all do exactly what we want to anytime we can take an opportunity to do so. So what do I want? Is the way I take my breaks leading me into those desires or am I trapping myself into an orbit that will eventually send my planet out of gas or out of control? Not walking will affect my health. Having all relationships through electronic devices means I am cut off when the inevitable break down comes.

My pastor has a favorite saying I have heard over and over and so have you- if you keep doing what you have always been doing you will keep getting the same result. I really want to return to a closer walk with the Lord. I want to watch my grandchildren grow and marry and have kids of their own. I want to be a part of this world that does something when the natural disasters of this world destroy a country as in Haiti this week. Those are good thoughts to wake up to and they are the thoughts that will motivate me to not just feed the sweet desires of my heart, but to do some work to make them real. The tennis shoes are looking better…………………..

Has anyone ever surprised you by showing admiration at an unexpected moment? We have seminary students live with us and I often play quiet worship music on the piano, but though I haven’t been playing the piano (as much as I plan to this year) most often when I do it is when no one is home. I would expect admiration playing a contemporary song or at least contemporary worship song maybe with a bit of jazz with either of these guys. Today one of them came in while I was belting out an arrangement of a very old hymn and when I finished he was clapping. Hasn’t happened in the 6 years we have been doing this. Go figure. We truly cannot predict what another person will admire or need accurately. This year I thought my Mom would go crazy over her family slides being put to music on a DVD at Christmas. Now don’t get me wrong- she was thrilled, but her true “moment” on Christmas was the presentation of a cookbook dedicated to her and her recipes. I was really surprised at the reality of that as she had constantly been talking about where her pictures were!

In an opposite observation I have watched others sincerely attempt to bless me over the years. Most of the time I truly appreciated the effort and felt a rush of their love for me! How I need that to go on- don’t you? But sadly, often at my neediest moment, no one was there. They couldn’t see my heart. They didn’t know anything was wrong. Alone in my pain often sent me closer to God, which is the best thing ever, but it is you that I live with. For my life to be full it must be shared. That is just how I am- a people who needs people person. In the pace we all live in we sadly find out things long after they have happened because we don’t talk to each other anymore. This is a choice. One my sister recently pointed out that I have often made trying to protect others, when the truth is together things usually can be worked out with less struggle and pain. I have only ever been alone in my pain because I chose it- a poor choice for the people person! However another reason I’ve made that choice was keeping me safe. We all know personal information in the hands of the wrong people is what the Bible refers to casting your pearls before swine. Being new on face book I accidentally posted something on the public news feed that I thought would just be on this person’s inbox (very technically deprived as I am). My mouse was racing until I figured out how to take it off! Silly? Sad? Who cares? You may even right now wonder what I could possibly post that anyone might draw a wrong conclusion from, but in my life experience that is what we as humans are the best at- drawing wrong conclusions! Even more interesting is the fact these wrong conclusions are based on our little bit of experience in this vast universe containing billions of individuals with their own thoughts, opinions, needs and desires.

My husband says he could be happy as a hermit. I let him revel in his own fantasy, but the same person is the social planner in our circle of friends and a lost puppy when left alone for more than one day. Today I feel that I am rambling more than usual as I write, but the truth is I am searching for how to make the connections that will propel me back into a healthier, fuller life. Without God it won’t happen, but as all you Christians and church goers reading this know- the human factor still rears it’s head more often than the renewed mind of Christ we may be seeking to connect with……………

Ah the “good life”. When I hear that phrase it is usually connected to a moment without the personal responsibility or concerns of our daily routines. A date without the kids- a snow day off from work- someone else’s turn to pick up the kids- a week on the beach away from normal routine or extra money to spend just for fun!. Even better having money to pay the bills! All of us could continue to fill in the blanks!

A good friend of mine and I often would say in a quick morning conversation in the midst of crazy busy lives that “some lady in the city got up this morning and someone cooked her breakfast. She has a nail appointment and lunch planned at the Bristol. Then she is going to pack for her trip in her private jet to go Christmas shopping in New York this weekend!” What would that be like??????????? The deception of what the “good life” really is doesn’t occur to us- we just see the greener grass across the street. I lived in Naples, Florida for 5 years surrounded by some of the richest people I had ever known. Twice I was invited to homes on the gulf that were the side shows of boat tours taken daily around the area. One mansion I visited several times as a guest was like a movie set with a beautiful view of the sunset on the veranda. There were 12 antique cars in mint condition in the garage. I felt like Maria in the Sound of Music arriving in my second hand clothes! After several visits to this friend’s house I left realizing I had been invited because she felt I had the good life- hers was miserable. In her wealth was no substance of love, purpose, or destiny and she was desperate for friends who liked her for who she was and not her position in the community. Of course I have known other wealthy people whose lives are full and they are happy. The point is that our wealth is not the definition of our success and fullness of life. Yet money has a way of ruling our society. You simply have to have some The problem is when we allow it to dictate our lives- in particular our emotions. My husband has accused me of being happier when I have more money to spend. I have also accused him of the same and we both admit freely it is true. Without it I can’t give to my grandchildren and family the way I love to and he can’t buy his flat screen TV or plan the vacations we both enjoy and truly need actually! My daughters are headed to the beach in March and for 24 hours after the tickets were purchased they were still glowing in anticipation of the trip! It’s a wonderful thing.

The other night out of nowhere Jim and I were sitting alone in the living room just chatting about the day. We have many friends affected by the economy right now and it seems everyone has a crisis of some sort that we know. As we reflected and looked around us Jim said, “We are truly blessed. We really have so much and God has been so good to us.” We have some serious crisis in our lives right now, but in the midst of those we have our love, a nice home, good friends, and great kids and grandkids and our jobs for today are secure. To some that just look at us there is nothing to impress, but to those that know us there is life where even in crisis we find the peace of God that surpasses all the understanding of man and deep in our hearts have a joy that cannot be explained by our possessions. When I said I would love a thousand dollars for Christmas to catch up on some bills a friend hugged me and said, “God bless her Lord- she only needs a thousand.” Instead of the money I got a gift from the Lord- a deliverance from grief that had clouded many holidays for me. I had a happy Christmas and though I can’t deny the thousand dollars probably would have made me excited, to have a truly joyful day without any grief was a gift to my heart and soul that truly put my quality of life up many notches. I have had a verse on my computer all year- James 1:12 (MSG) “Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.” To life………

There are undeniable moments of routine in our life that bring a feeling that rushes through our being unsolicited. A perfect example is “TGIF”- for every working person that has a Monday-Friday schedule there is a rush of relief that a break from the normal routine has arrived and though work may follow them home there is a moment of being our from under the daily demands. We may work in our pajamas. We may decide to dust or not to dust- it is our time to dictate whether or not responsibilities follow us into that time. Another example is the mother who sends husband to the office and children off to school in order to regain control of the home after a chaotic weekend. Even if neither of these examples ring true for you there is a timing that enters and you feel the relief if even for a moment that you are free from the regular routine that dictates your life. I have found that everyone ultimately has decision making power over their life. We all find time and make a way to do what we truly want to do even if we refuse to admit it and hide the personal freedom time and money we use from those around us. It is what we choose to do with these moments that truly define who we are and what is important to us.

As I have floated and sputtered in the universe these past months I have paid attention to what it is am I truly choosing. Not knowing what we really want is common. Children with a room full of toys can’t find anything to play with! Teens with a closet full of clothes can’t decide what to wear. Moms with housework out of control can’t decide where to start. Someone with a stack of bills isn’t sure who to pay first. Busy adults whose lives are driven solely by career and projects of passion can’t find their “empty box” and relax. I have flown to the beach for a week and found it takes the first 3 days just to come down from the “high” of life and begin to enjoy the waves and the sun and allow myself that pleasure. When I hit that wall months back I was so overwhelmed I truly had no idea where to start and spent some weeks just going through the day without experiencing myself at all- just doing what seemed necessary each hour. Then I began to experience moments of satisfaction in the day and I began to pay attention to what it was that brought that. It wasn’t the accomplishments that brought recognition to what a wonderful “worker bee” I am and how that was helping the world around me. It was the little joys- the personal moments alone enjoying a flow of creativity making something- time alone at the piano with the Lord- reading and writing- paying complete attention to a conversation without my mind running other places while listening! I realized that all my life I have felt the need to justify every action that was just for me- I believed I had to earn “my time off” and if you took a close look at how I was living you would quickly see that I rarely earned it in my estimation so I just kept “working”. I’m sure that if you are a counselor or mental health professional reading this you could “textbook” my case and I already know there are many “like me” out there!

Stopping for awhile and watching what I am doing has brought me to a new place of freedom. If I believe that I was created a unique being by God primarily for His pleasure I see clearly that ignoring the uniqueness of who I am in Him and with Him is a loss to both of us. I have cared more about what you think and how my life affects you (those connected to me) than I have about what He thinks and what intimate relationship with the Lord ultimately can bring to the world around me. I can tell many stories where I know that I have inspired others, but I have been blind to more stories that show that I was deceived in thinking I had it all together and was being an inspiration when in reality my life only caused others to say I don’t want to be connected with her life! I like to write, I like to play piano and write music, I like to make things, I love teaching children and a good book may keep me up all night. These are not things I have to earn the time to enjoy- these are the things that make me unique. Perhaps if we learn to celebrate our uniqueness and appreciate the uniqueness in those we love we may be able to better understand the uniqueness of God- creator of the world with a plan for relationship without competition. This plan became hidden from our eyes because we took our world out of His hands and attempted to control it on our own. As for me- I recognize I have made some serious messes on my trail and I’m ready to hand it back to the One who understands what He created and how He meant for it to work…………….

We are having a beautiful snow in Kentucky- the kind with huge flakes that makes you feel like you have entered a new universe when you walk out the door. Everything is covered with several inches of fresh snow and even those who hate the cold and are inconvenienced by the weather cannot deny the beauty of it. As a childcare director for 16 years I occasionally walked to work in a snowstorm as we had a “never closed” policy due to medical personnel using our facility. I will never forget the worst storm- I was the only one out and walked down the middle of the road the whole way feeling as if I had been beamed to a universe that was all my own for that hour- one that was fresh and beautiful with only my steps behind me tainting the flawless picture. Of course I was ready for heat and coffee upon my arrival to the center, but the moment was great and I was truly refreshed by my hike. A glance out the window throughout the day brought the memory and feeling of it to mind and refreshed me again. Even today years later that memory brings a feeling into my being of the “surreal moment” I experienced that day.

If it is true as I stated yesterday that God is at work in me energizing me and creating power and desire within me I am curious to know exactly where the activity is taking place. My body craves the strength but my mind needs the desire to take action. As I meditate this thought I am reminded of the many moments I have shared with the Lord in my life over the years and several supernatural experiences I have had. If you have trouble believing the truth of what I am about to say I encourage you to consider at least what the feeling might be if it did happen. I was about 24 and still new and not completely comfortable in lifting my hands when praising the Lord. One Sunday morning my love for the Lord was so intense I lifted my hands and I just didn’t want to put them down. As we sang songs of praise my arms began to hurt, but I still didn’t want to put them down. At some moment in the midst I felt fingers in my hands and the pain left- I knew an angel had come and was holding my arms up for me. It never happened again, but every time the thought of that experience comes to me I am encouraged by the knowledge I am never alone and there is strength right there with me and my desire level increases.

It is my mind that needs to be renewed- convinced of my convictions- stirred into passion to take action on something. My sputtering planet gave in to the thoughts of self pity, feeling alone in my circumstances, that I alone had no value in this life- that my struggles were only increasing pain for others and I couldn’t stand being the cause of pain in their hearts! I was giving in to the thoughts consuming the moment of my circumstances- but there were other thoughts to have! The thoughts of the friends and family that were in fact standing with me at that very moment- I had never stood alone! Thoughts of the many times God had graced me with the right words and strength to say them. Thoughts of peace that covered me like a cozy quilt when things looked the worst. Thoughts of Jesus having walked ahead of me in every other circumstance of life paving the way for me to make it just as a human shepherd goes ahead to make sure his sheep will be safe and cared for (read “a shepherd looks at Psalm 23” by Phillip Keller) . Perhaps if I can get my mind to sort out thoughts and hit the delete key quickly when the thought is not going to guide, strengthen or refresh me there is hope for not only a restored planet, but a better model built to last many years longer………………………..

After floating in the Universe for some several months a reattachment has begun. It has felt like putting gas in a car only a gallon at a time. Surges of strength come to do things and then at some point I sputter and stop- a refill necessary to go again. At the same time there is an awakening in me to do things I have always wanted to do or have always loved to do and those things are flowing smoothly to the point I feel energized after having done them. So what exactly is the difference? Of course Planet Carol would like to find the smooth path in all things, after all as an American we believe that is our right?????

A word in my life that has caused a lot of conflict for me is the word obedience. To this day I don’t really understand it fully and rarely get it right. My Dad was a military man and hospital corners were a requirement when making your bed. I can remember as a teenager thinking I was really going to be in trouble for something and my Dad would hardly respond and then a few days later having no idea I had done anything wrong I would be in “hot water”. The word obedience has been so abused by the church that I can’t stand to listen to preachers who demand their congregation obey the scriptures they have selected while ignoring the majority of the true message of the Bible- unconditional love! We have all seen a young child obey grudgingly rolling their eyes or screaming while doing it. I love the Dennis the Menace cartoon where he is in the chair facing the corner and his thought is “I’m sitting here now, but on the inside I’m standing up!” Jesus said, “Not my will, but thine be done”. How did He do that? He really meant it.

I have lived enough years to be able to say I have spent many of them trying to comply with rules that supposedly would change my circumstance. Of course the top of the list is following a diet to make me look like a model (which actually worked in 1977-my favorite photos of myself!). Close second would be following a devotion regime to keep me spiritual. Posting scripture in the house to meditate describing a behavior I was lacking and wanted to attain. Working beyond the 2nd mile to encourage others to do the same (when in hindsight all it did was caused them to run away when they saw me). Now don’t misunderstand me, in the midst of these times my heart was right and most often I did find some satisfaction and sometimes a true breakthrough. But that person didn’t make it in the long run- Planet Carol did get lost along the way. As I meditate on the word obedience in my life I see that it has been a word that means it is all up to me- I am fully in control and responsible for the outcomes I enjoy or suffer. Is that God’s plan? For me to fix myself up to be a planet that is significant and can hold their rotation so the universe doesn’t experience destruction because my pieces are falling apart and ramming into other planets? Obviously this is not the plan and hasn’t worked!

I found a verse today that may be the key to putting me back in my orbit stronger than ever. It is Philippians 3:13 Amplified Bible- “(Not in your own strength) for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you (energizing and creating in you the power and desire), both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight.”
It’s time for me to leave my terrible two’s and stop fighting the very things that will bring me peace and joy. I can’t do it. I’ve proven that. But I believe in a God who not only can, but wants to flow through me and make my life significant for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight. What a legacy that would be…..

I was playing a hot potato game with children the first Sunday of the Year and the person who was caught had to give the year of their birth- if one of the staff got caught a child guessed the year they were born. When I caught it my chosen child declared 1830. I look great for someone going on 200- but then again as the years go by it is undeniable that creaks, quirks, and shortness of breath occasionally appear I’ve always blamed weight for any of those symptoms, but my husband who can still wear his wedding suit was breathing hard after carrying all the Christmas boxes up this year. I personally don’t believe in retirement- if you have followed any of my writing you know that busyness is my middle name- but the truth is that at this point in my life if I don’t stop and rest there seems to always be a physical price to pay!

So what’s the dilemma you may ask? It’s the perfect excuse to get the younger ones to step up to the plate. I’ve put in years of labor- why not take it easy now and enjoy it? I’ll tell you why- there is burning inside me a lot of things I intended to do- even as recently as the past five years- and I want to do them. Call me stupid, but I love being there for others in a world that has no mercy! I want to be an encourager who not only says, “You can do it!”, but also takes actions to make the journey easier or in some cases possible. Some say to me that I am just “killing myself”. If that has any truth at all it has nothing to do with what I am doing- it would be related to the things I am not doing to keep myself strong. You know the list- eating right, exercise, etc…. In addition there is a spiritual need within me that ignored will place me in danger. It is not what I have done- It is what I have not done! That is why I have grace and mercy for others- I am so aware of how much I need it!

II Peter 3:18 in the Amplified Bible says, “…grow in grace (underserved favor, spiritual strength)……” I have experienced both definitions in my life, but have focused on the undeserved favor part. Today I am wondering about the spiritual strength part. Why this past year have I experienced depression and extreme weariness when most all other years of my life I can give story after story of standing through difficulties that were emotionally and physically impossible for me, yet a supernatural spiritual strength held me up? I know exactly how it feels to be under the dome of protection with Jesus while the universe twirls around me- it’s great. Perhaps I took my dome for granted and no longer spent time keeping it strong, repaired, and real. Sounds like work which I don’t feel like doing, but I can’t eat a cake that isn’t baked (or that I went to the bakery to buy).

I laugh every time I hear Bob in the movie “What About Bob” cry, “ I need, I need, I need!” to his therapist on vacation. I need. I want. And the world would tell us to work hard enough to have all that we need or want. I think I will meditate grace defined as supernatural strength. I don’t see a lot of satisfaction and happiness in the world and those are the two words I want said about my life- I was happy and satisfied with a lot to share…………..

What do I Really Want and Why?

I want to be left alone and yet I am starving for fellowship.
I want to be healthy and thinner yet I eat what I please.
I want to make a difference in a very nasty overall world, but am not like Jesus and truly not willing to pay any more “prices” to be a part of that.

I want a perfect family to show the world the possibility, so I practice the same unconditional love from the depths of my heart that Jesus has given to me.
I want joy to be part of my world, so I refuse to give any agreement to those who want to rob me of it by focusing on the negative “realities”.
I don’t want to lose another friend, so I hold on tightly whether or not they respond.
I want compassion and affection and appreciation, so I dish it out in cards and hugs and smiles and kind words.


I want mercy because I alone know the insecurities in my heart and the weakness in my soul.
I want love because life is not worth living without it.
I want rest because I am too acquainted with exhaustion.
I want vision and purpose knowing without it I will never be satisfied.

JESUS IS ALL THE WORLD TO ME
By Will L. Thompson

Jesus is all the world to me,
My life, my joy, my all;
He is my strength from day to day
Without Him I would fall.
When I am sad to Him I go,
No other one could love me so;
When I am sad, He makes me glad,
He’s my Friend.