11.30.09
Is your life ruled by a schedule or routine? Most everyone I know seems to be. It makes sense in light of the fact the universe operates on rotations that cause the sun to appear in the morning and set at night. Some of you live near the poles and don't experience that- I can't imagine adjusting to sunshine at night or darkness in the day- I hate it when the sun goes down at 5:30 in the winter months! My family is spread all over the world- one brother is 6 hours behind me and another 6 hours ahead. I traveled to South Africa one summer and was amazed at the real meaning of jet lag- entering a time zone other than your own. This holiday weekend upset my routine. On Friday I kept thinking it was Saturday. By Sunday the work load I decided to pretend didn't exist during the Holiday began to cause pressure in the back of my neck! I have said all this to say that even though I had lots of fun with family and friends, lots of play and hugs from the children, and received some valuable spiritual insight at my church service- still I find myself lost in the universe this Monday morning- a plumper planet still in search of my orbit. Do you see me as just high maintenance? Perhaps needing a "chill pill"? My Dad used to tell me to "lighten up"! Knowing I am just a speck in the universe somehow drives me even harder to be a speck of purpose and meaning even though at the moment I lack the energy to look for it....

11.26.09

When you are sitting on the side of the road like a lost pup there is a lot of time for reflection. It see-saws back and forth between "where am I?" to remembrances of where I've been. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Even though the trees are bare there are plenty of leaves to walk through- kick around and scrunch beneath your feet. I always feel most like a child again on Thanksgiving. A favorite Aunt of mine and I would sit at the family dessert table loaded with at least 20 different delicacies. We would stay until we had tasted each one. Perhaps that is part of what has been missing and caused me to roam blindly in the universe. I haven't spent enough time in recent years taking time to taste and enjoy both the traditional desserts I love, but the new ones presented to me daily. Happy Thanksgiving! (of course-my grand kids are the picture!)

11.25.09

Actually being lost is not new to me. I have lived in the same city for 20 years and still have to call and get help with directions when I venture beyond my usual daily rounds. Once I called my son in law who has lived his whole life here and told him where I was and his first question was are your doors locked and windows up? Followed by - How in the world did you end up there? Don't hang up until I tell you to. I think there may be a GPS headed for my Christmas stocking due to the concern of my family:) When I ponder these moments of being lost there are many emotions that have accompanied the experience. Sometimes a bit of anger or frustration, but never fear, and often a sense of excitement as I am embarking on a new adventure. Then there was the thankfulness for friends and family just a call away always willing to help get me on the right road. I need to think about this- because the realization Planet Carol was lost brought me to a halt. I just pulled over like there was nothing to do but sit on the side of the road like a lost pup....

11.21.09

In our universe there are so many avenues to alleviate pain. The head pain connected to some neck pain so I checked into Physical Therapy (and got a cute one to boot!) and Planet Carol started feeling better. Feeling better means you clock back in and start functioning as usual- right? The problem was that all the meteor wars around me refused to acknowlege I was still in a stage of recuperation and kept taking shots at me that were causing damage deep on the inside. It was a pain so deep within me that only I could feel it and know that is was spreading. The zooming planet that everyone knew was unrecognizable. I couldn't find the orbit I had always followed and was unable to explain the reason why. You see there is a list of reasons, and believe me they are good ones that would make your hair curl and wonder how I had ever zoomed around- but I had. One thing I knew was I wasn't just worn out- I had enough of my optomisn left to find the courage to look for my orbit- I just couldn't quite remember what it looked like...............

11.20.09



This is Friday. All new things start on Monday- everybody knows that! But you see I am lost in the universe at the moment. Somewhere this past year the zooming planet Carol that was always in orbit busy busy busy- and happy in the busy- got off track and starting running into meteors, barely escaping deadly collisions with other planets, and eventually ran completely out of energy. I came to a complete stop and found myself drifting in space without identity or purpose. Life that had been exciting and fullfilling became mundane and rote. I decided to get some help when some pieces of my planet began to crumble and fall away. I had never been to a professional counselor before- I had been the counselor in my busy happy world! It was a big step. I did good that first day- even felt a speck of hope. Then I came out of the office, tripped over a landing in the floor ramming the front of my head into the wall which bounced me back causing me to hit the back of my head on the wooden doorframe. I was taken to the emergency room and sent home with pain killers for my concussion. Now I am a planet drifting in pain.......