The general population often hates the optimist.  “Go away Auntie with her nephew and my new grandson and let me sleep” pictured above.  As an optimist myself even I don’t appreciate someone smiling and perky when I just want to be left alone.  I didn’t always understand this and probably have many people who have thought Planet Carol please take your sunshine somewhere else I’m not interested!

George Bailey yells at his son “Isn’t our car good enough?” when the son tells him about the neighbor’s new car.  It wasn’t characteristic of his normal reactions.  It was interpreting all information from the distress he was trying to process in his own life at the moment.  He is even sorry, but just can’t help himself.  There is no human on earth that has not had that exact reaction and feeling due to some pressure in life.

In my journey this past year I have discovered paths out of my depression and problems, but they have not been inspired by an optimist or fixer.  We know who we are.  We have big hearts, love hard, and deeply care for those around us.  Innocently we give lots of advice most often not solicited by the hearer who wants to get away from us!  Whatever situation each of us finds challenging today there are two choices we have:

1.  Let it bring us down and destroy a part of us.

2.  Seek an answer.

 If I choose number two I will not look for an optimist or generally perky person to help. I will not seek someone who has fancy words and deep theology. At all cost I will avoid the person who thinks they are better than I and have all the answers!  I will be looking for someone I respect and admire.  Someone genuine!

Genuine: not counterfeit or artificial; real; true; sincere.

“Lord pour out your grace over me today that I might be real, true, sincere…………”

“….ritual Cobb Salad lunch…dreading….dreading…” is a line from a favorite movie of mine. It’s not the salad- this one I made and ate yesterday was delicious!  The problem is the friends meeting for the salad.  All of them are more successful in their careers and so self absorbed that this character feels completely intimidated by all three of her life-long friends.  The tradition was born out of a different era when there were shared life activities and events - but now it is an obligation and uncomfortable brag session.  A very incredibly sad picture of relationship change over time and far too common!

 

Intimidation has visited us all.  Sometimes it is obvious, but there are those of us who can pull off a comfortable demeanor at the moment and then walk away with the “black eye” of intimidation.  When this has happened to me I feel suffocated by a cloud of superiority threatening to squeeze the last ounce of self esteem I had out of me.  Some of my experiences have been intentional humiliation and others just insensitive remarks.  Here are a few examples from over the years that threw a good punch at my seeming “lack of success”:

 

“We only wear real gold and silver jewelry” upon receiving my costume jewelry gift.

“I’m really tired of Prime Rib- do you mind if we just go for a hamburger” when reuniting with an old friend.

“I just can’t decide which dress to wear” from their closet of many and I really didn’t have a dress.

“ Only go in the food pantry late at night when no one will see you” upon being told I could use the church pantry to help feed my kids, but the church leaders didn’t want anyone to know the truth about their part in creating a financial disaster in our family.

“Don’t sit in that chair- you might break it” announced in front of a group referring to my chubby shape.

Everyone reading this has your own list.  I’ve torn mine up this past year and really had to think hard to remember these.  Gloria Gaither wrote great children’s song years ago and I’ve decided it was for all ages so I sing along with my grandchildren and believe with all my heart it is true for grandma too!.....

I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital "P"
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin' to hear God's voice
And I am tryin' to make the right choice
I'm a promise to be anything God wants me to be
Anything God wants me to be!

It’s a very good depiction overall drawn from the imagination of my granddaughter.  I don’t think the stuffed animals talked.  I definitely woke up right before hitting the floor and my husband didn’t sleep through it.  My legs are only twenty-six inches long and the bed is 33 inches high.  I’ve jumped in and slid out for years without a mishap.  The bed frame is now gone and the box springs and mattress are quite comfortable on the floor. I should only be in therapy for reinjuring my neck a couple weeks!  The unexplainable can be very frustrating and speculation does not help.  The miracle is no brain damage (at least anything diagnosable) after experiencing the following list in the last ten years:

 

1. Opening a closet door and having a large heavy metal bowl fall on my head and knock me out.
2. Slipping on ice landing flat on my back in the driveway and no one home while I shivered awhile in shock.
3. Moving a shelf and having the small television sitting on the top fall on my head.
4. Falling on a raised landing in a doctor’s office hitting the front of my head that through the back of my head into a wooden door frame.  (Therapy started here)
5. Slipping on a wet floor right before a spring piano recital rehearsal and hitting my head on a wall.
6. Tripping over a metal landing someone had left sticking up and belly-flopping onto a concrete floor.
7. Falling out of bed……..

I am sure my family might fill in a blank or two that I’ve forgotten. This is a ridiculous list- I really have trouble believing it myself.  I have taped this verse to my computer:

“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs…and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a wee-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11

 I was asked yesterday, “where in the universe have you been?’ Shopping for a helmet…………..

Opening the time capsule of 2011 brought a wave of wonderment to our hearts as we saw the dreams and hopes expressed by the children one year ago having been fulfilled.  Everything from having my own room- improved reading skills- to becoming wealthy and famous in order to give to the poor- and even getting to bake a cake in a sister’s Easy Bake Oven was read aloud.  In each situation the desire had either manifested or the child had experiences that definitely lead into the direction they were seeking!  As we handed out the slips to write our hopes for this year the children were very private and serious. I can only imagine what they wrote after experiencing God’s faithfulness this year.

 

Jesus loves me this I know.  This simple most profound truth in the universe is the key to life fulfillment- contentment- peace ruling and reigning in our lives.  Believing is my step of faith to walk out each day knowing not only will it be ok- it is already ok!

 

I have been asked what the purpose of this blog truly is.  It is not to preach and I can only apologize to any reader who feels that at any time.  My life as I live it is the only sermon that I have.  Fumbling the ball is something I am more familiar with than touchdowns!    Anyone viewing my plays on any given day of my life sees the real picture -which is all that will be remembered. When I started the blog I was in the most serious depression of my life temporarily disconnected from anything I had ever known.  Over these first two years of writing I have found out many truths about myself and have come to not only accept them, but like Carol the way God likes me.  My children often call me Carol or each other Carol or even my grandchildren Carol when the actions they are observing are unique to me- the Carol they know through and through.  Many of them are not strengths, but I have learned to laugh with them about myself.  Listen more intently to their concerns and suggestions.  I also am listening to comments.  One person commented that the transparency in my writing is what connected them to me and encouraged them to go forward.  It is my desire to define my strengths this year rather than try to always be strong.  Receiving strength from friends and family on this journey has shown me how important it is to know when I am strong and to know when I need your strength to make it….thanks to all of you who are sharing my journey…………