May of this year I received a comment on a blog I had published entitled “Happy Birthday to Me”.  For some reason I just recently saw it but feel it is a justifiable question even though the person chose to remain anonymous.  Here is the comment:

In Nov. of 2009 you posted your first blog. Just prior to that you posted your profile which said you were looking to find planet Carol. It is now 4 years plus later since that profile was posted. Who and where and what are you now 4 years down the road from beginning to seek who planet Carol is ????

1.  The discovery of me has been most enlightening.  After living for over fifty years I was amazed that I could see myself clearly for who I really am rather than who I perceived I am.  For example I found that all my giving and labor was not all out of a sincere heart of love, but often to compensate for the weaknesses of others.  The word boundaries has taken new meaning as I find that giving in and of itself can bring frustration and weariness if in fact it is not true to my hearts desire.  It is in my best interest and better for others to often say the word no!   Saying no more often has made saying yes much more fulfilling and enriched my life.  In addition the patterns that have been repeated in my life have opened my eyes to realize I have only begun to learn the secrets of a healthy satisfying life.  Today I see myself continuing the roller coaster ride of my body weight.  However now I know I made a good friend called dessert that I cling to in moments of stress.  Awareness has increased my hope to let this friend go and I have experienced enough victories to know this is a really bad relationship.  I have great empathy for people who have made bad relationships and struggle to break the tie.  There are many other areas I could include but will let this suffice as this is a blog not a book.

2.  Where I am today is a much more peaceful place.  I am not looking for myself but rather I am embracing who I am.  Being perfect, correct, doing the right thing is no longer on the goal list.  I have replaced them with being completely honest, not fearing mistakes, and making my best effort daily to be a blessing to others.

3.  What am I now?  I am a person not ashamed of my faith in God and belief in the Bible as His Word.  In all that I read, in the many who counsel me, in the experiences of my life only those connected to God have brought me the answers I was so deeply seeking November of 2009.  A friend put it so well just the other day- no longer do I believe in God and His Word- I know God and I know His Word is truth.

Some blogs express my love for God, others share the stories of life that so many relate to or enjoy.  When I am writing now it is with the hope that some person will smile or be encouraged as I have been.  Writing is reaching out in friendship to anyone who wants to share life with me even if we never meet. Today I hope anonymous sees and reads this blog.  It is the response you send that challenges me to continue seeking….. 

I can see it, feel it, and remember the smile that came when I got it.  It was a plan for fun to share with family and friends that Christmas but circumstances kept it from happening.  Now a couple years later I remember the plan- can see the music in my hands- but for the life of me I simply can’t find that special place I put it for safekeeping until this day came!  It’s “I Wish You the Merriest, the Merriest” in four part harmony and this year we have time to learn it!  I salute my friends who stay organized and never misplace anything (though at this moment I don’t remember your names).

Truly it is a mystery no matter what the size of the office or house we may have we lose things!  I have bought many organizing containers and reorganized all my stuff a hundred times.  However, usually right after organizing it is harder to find things than ever because I was accustomed to my organized mess!

As with most things in life there is a bright side to the losing of things- finding them!  What pleasure to find a family treasure not seen in years- a Christmas present you forgot to give- a new pack of my favorite pens or the ten dollar bill in a pocket of jeans that haven’t fit for awhile.  Some people are difficult to cheer up in the days we are living right now- but not me.  I’m one of the simple ones.  The smallest gift, word of kindness or encouragement or finding something I’ve completely forgotten about can change my whole day!

Dining out at a restaurant patio this past weekend my family began discussing their jobs, salaries and upcoming opportunities.  I realized for the first time ever (me the simple one) that my part in this family is no longer significant financially.  I’m praying for a new piano student that will increase my income by fifteen dollars a week!  I starting laughing at myself and could hardly get it out to tell them why.  They had seen this truth for sometime and were quite amused I just now got it.  Walking away I thought again about that piece of music I still haven’t located.  Life is full of surprises and forgotten gifts.  Who knows really- I may still become the millionaire- I just haven’t opened the box that holds the opportunity.  I smile at the possibilities ahead……………… 

Monday I was helping a more advanced piano student to choose a new piece to work on.  This involved me playing several pieces for him.  At one point after making a couple mistakes I stopped and explained my eyes were watering due to allergies making it hard for me to see clearly.  “I am just…I can’t think of the word I want to describe this moment.” I said.  “Decrepit.” He answered not even taking a moment to think.  In shock I told him laughingly I wouldn't get over that for a week.  I got a dictionary and had him read the meaning; “Old. Worn out.”  He was laughing now too trying to explain he didn't really know that was what it meant.  It’s Thursday and I’m still laughing about it but also thinking about it.  After all he did describe me that way innocent or not.

Young children can get away with using words inappropriately and we think they are cute.  The older they become the less cute it is and at some point if even momentarily we take it as from the heart.  The result is hurt.  If we believe them it can even be humiliating and discouraging.  This moment caused me to reflect once again on the power of words.  There are many directed to us daily and often they are hurtful.  I decided how important it is for me to work on my listening and responding skills.  As with this young man, I can choose to reply to words directed at me.  Clarify the intent of the delivery.  Ultimately I can choose to eject them as insignificant- ignorant- or just simply wrong and avoid being affected.  

The other side of the coin is the joy of receiving words that bring joy-laughter- encouragement and/or just make us feel good!  Every day husband comes in and I call out “Baby doll!” and he answers “Sweetie Pie”.  My twenty- two month old grandson upon entering the house hollers “hello” and I respond “hello” often several times until we hug.  Recently I received a thank you card which said, “You are always the one who comes.  That means a lot.  I do want to ask one thing.  The next time you go through something- don’t shut me out.  Let me come for you next time.  No one likes to be the one on the receiving end all the time.”

It was such a beautiful sentiment for her to write.  We all have a time we need a good word and we all have something to say to another in need.  I am grateful to have such friends.  No doubt many do not.  Perhaps today I can find one of those lonely souls and say something to give them the kind of hope words opposite of decrepit can bring……….

After posting pictures of her very pink very princess room I was not prepared to present my granddaughter with bright colorful princess folders for school and have her say, “Grandma, I’m ten now.”  Already there is pressure to meet the expected standards of peers in public.   All those peers have rooms like hers- love the baby doll and Barbie play at each other’s houses, but that is home and public is different.  To her it’s like wearing pajamas to school to carry those folders.

The same week I took my now twenty-one month old grandson to a movie with the ten and twelve year old.  He lasted about 40 minutes.  I spent the other hour and fifteen minutes following him as he explored the entire theater complex struggling to keep up with him and actually tearing my pants in a happy but hilarious tug of war.  Thankfully my shirt was long enough to cover the damage.  There is no doubt about the fact that age defines us in many circumstances.  It is true that all ages mix well in many shared experiences but there are definitely as many more that they don’t.

Being of the variety that believes I am still in my twenties and relate to anyone it causes me to cringe when I am offered a hand on steep steps, asked if I am OK as my face gives away the fact I am hot, and receive a lot more advice on what to do and not to do from my family.  I need the help and rarely is the advice wrong but I struggle between wanting to remain the giver- caretaker- in control person and wanting to have a break!

These flowers have had good days and bad days this summer.  At one point I was sure they were dying.  Yet here they are today blooming as lovely as ever.  No matter what the set back may be I will hold on to the hope that I have strong blooms yet to shine and wave in the winds of life.  Tonight I go to court over a speeding ticket- I had forgotten they gave those out, but evidently some things apply to all ages!  Perhaps I will go to Wal-Mart and buy a princess shirt to throw the judge off………………

They are simply filthy.  Baby size five - I seriously consider dumping them into the trash and going to the store to replace them!  Instead of course I send them out with the older cousin to hose them down which only makes a minor improvement.  But Mommy washes and dries them and I see them like new running again on those sweet little feet. No one would ever guess they had looked like this!  What I didn’t see looking at these mud destroyed baby shoes was the great fun he was having with his little buddies at the park.  Summer rains had turned all dirt into muddy spots which little boys never think to avoid.  In the end there was a baby turning all boy happy as happy can be and modern cleaning products restored the shoes.

I can’t help but reflect upon how many other “messy sights” have I seen this week and only interpreted them on the negative side- never considering even the remote possibility that there might be a positive happy story behind the mess.  I came up with these:

A husband in a coma on the couch- the basement bathroom we’ve been working on for a couple years nearing completion (the grouting did him in!)

The front rock path to the porch full of weeds- turns out grandson needs money and I had a job to offer to earn it!

A kitchen stacked high with dirty dishes and sticky counters- a couple of wonderful dinners around a real table where friends and family actually carried on conversation.

A bank charge due to a forgotten automatic withdrawal plan- A vacation weekend with my husband away from all normal reality - we just enjoyed each other as if there were no one else in life.

An office so deep in stuff I can hardly maneuver through it- quality time with grandchildren this summer making memories that become the pearls of my life.

People working hard carrying grills, tables, chairs etc…- enjoying the summer breeze and great food under the shade trees after church. Sitting with people I usually just hug and say hi too-catching up with the daily experiences of good friends.

You may share my list or have your own or have a lot more to add!  Just in reviewing this short one I will forever remember I have a wonderful life when I look at this photo of the baby’s shoes!

Freedom

Too busy living life to write about it these days!  Every moment whether funny, serious, sad, frustrating, irritating, or simply so precious we actually pause and embrace it only comes that one time and then is forever just a memory.  In my lifetime I have missed a great deal that was happening right in front of me because I was caught up in a project, a problem, pursuing a passion, checked out in exhaustion and a million other reasons I could state.  On the other hand I have a life without regrets because of so many things I didn’t miss!  My father always said life moved faster the older you get.  Though I have experienced that to definitely feel true I wonder if it isn’t so because the older we get the better we are about sorting out what is important in the moment- better at taking the time to listen, watch, enjoy, and meditate on what really matters to us.

On this Fourth of July I am proud to be an American in spite of the fact that I am unhappy with much of what I see happening that causes me to be sad and be concerned about what my grandchildren may face in their lifetime.  Gratitude for freedom beats strong in my heart today for I understand it is something many in the world do not have.  Just like every gift in life we can use it in ways that increase our quality of life and state of contentment.  Unfortunately it can also be used as an instrument of destruction.  Freedom of speech is at the top of my concern right now.   It allows words that uplift and words that demean; words that show love and words that spew hate; words that cause us to stand strong and secure and words that demean us to the point of losing all hope.  There are volumes of books that have been written on this subject but I would like to share this thought today:

Every word I hear has the potential to affect my life but I have learned that all words are not healthy for me and I have the right to reject them.  I also have the right to embrace the words that will move me forward with invigorating joy!  Today as you read this I encourage you to attach yourself to people whose words cause you to want to get up in the morning and seek all that is good and detach yourself from those who weigh you down and make your life miserable.  America is a place I love, but my freedom comes from another source altogether:

“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed!”  John 8:36

As we thank God for freedom and blessing our country it is my prayer that you know every time an American lets you down there is freedom in the Lord Jesus Christ.  The day is coming that the only freedom that will be known will be His.  Seems reasonable to me that today might be a great day to consider that and be prepared……….

Seventy degrees, slight breeze, clear baby blue sky, and I am taking five minutes to rock on the porch and enjoy a pot of bursting blooms.  The house is silent and I am fully aware I am only 48 hours away from school being out- Grandma Camp in full swing- and silence will be a memory.  If you are well acquainted with Planet Carol you know this is a welcomed invasion.  For over a month an activity calendar has been being designed.  The rule is every day is a surprise, nevertheless they are trying to get me to unveil new adventures! I too happily anticipate the days to be shared with my favorite occupants of the earth- my grandchildren! 

Yes I will be teaching piano and a few other regular pursuits, but my occupational title will be prioritized as Grandma first and foremost.  A parent said to me recently that they weren't sure how they will be when that time in life comes.  I told them with a mischievous grin it is exhilarating- they are yours but the responsibilities that come with them are the parents!  It is true.  But the truth is I really don’t believe it!  Being privileged myself to know both sets of my grandparents I have lots of memories to prove they didn't believe it either.  Each one of them invested something important in my life:

Grandpa Bailey died when I was very young.  However I can still see the genuine love oozing from his eyes from his chair in the front room off the porch.  His adoration of family never had to be explained to me- I got to experience it and all my life lived in the confidence he had loved his granddaughter deeply.

Grandma Bailey was a devoted teacher.  I was never with her without being instructed about the importance of reading, how to cook, or how to build a worm bed. She taught  me how to row the boat, how to bait the hook (though I drew the line on taking the fish off the hook!), and how to play a multitude of games including Yahtzee and Scrabble.  My final message to her was written with letter tiles glued to a scrabble board that I sent in an overnight mail package from states away.

Grandpa Baxter had a twinkle in his eye that was always there no matter what was happening.  He taught me the joy of mixing things up in life as I watched him pour 3 different cereals into his breakfast bowl topping them with milk and both white and brown sugar.  Variety was truly his specialty.  Religiously he wound at least 10 clocks daily and I always lay in bed at night listening to the different chimes and bird sounds on the hour.  I believe he was different with boys than girls having had four boys of his own first followed by three girls who were adored and spoiled to no end by their Dad.

Grandma Baxter was the busy creative one. She was an active member of many church and community organizations. Her special craft room (which was not as common then as today) sparkled creativity as there was never a time she didn't have something for me to make.  Specifically I remember fondly the puppies made of yarn and the turkeys made one thanksgiving in Florida out of pine cones and sea shells. She was also my inspiration for piano.  She played well and her favorite music was ragtime.  She ultimately moved to Kentucky with my Mom and was my greatest fan- listening to me play the piano and appreciating all my “projects”.

So you see I can’t take credit for being the fun grandma I love to be.  I was taught by the best the joy of the title……………………