The general population often hates the optimist.  “Go away Auntie with her nephew and my new grandson and let me sleep” pictured above.  As an optimist myself even I don’t appreciate someone smiling and perky when I just want to be left alone.  I didn’t always understand this and probably have many people who have thought Planet Carol please take your sunshine somewhere else I’m not interested!

George Bailey yells at his son “Isn’t our car good enough?” when the son tells him about the neighbor’s new car.  It wasn’t characteristic of his normal reactions.  It was interpreting all information from the distress he was trying to process in his own life at the moment.  He is even sorry, but just can’t help himself.  There is no human on earth that has not had that exact reaction and feeling due to some pressure in life.

In my journey this past year I have discovered paths out of my depression and problems, but they have not been inspired by an optimist or fixer.  We know who we are.  We have big hearts, love hard, and deeply care for those around us.  Innocently we give lots of advice most often not solicited by the hearer who wants to get away from us!  Whatever situation each of us finds challenging today there are two choices we have:

1.  Let it bring us down and destroy a part of us.

2.  Seek an answer.

 If I choose number two I will not look for an optimist or generally perky person to help. I will not seek someone who has fancy words and deep theology. At all cost I will avoid the person who thinks they are better than I and have all the answers!  I will be looking for someone I respect and admire.  Someone genuine!

Genuine: not counterfeit or artificial; real; true; sincere.

“Lord pour out your grace over me today that I might be real, true, sincere…………”

“….ritual Cobb Salad lunch…dreading….dreading…” is a line from a favorite movie of mine. It’s not the salad- this one I made and ate yesterday was delicious!  The problem is the friends meeting for the salad.  All of them are more successful in their careers and so self absorbed that this character feels completely intimidated by all three of her life-long friends.  The tradition was born out of a different era when there were shared life activities and events - but now it is an obligation and uncomfortable brag session.  A very incredibly sad picture of relationship change over time and far too common!

 

Intimidation has visited us all.  Sometimes it is obvious, but there are those of us who can pull off a comfortable demeanor at the moment and then walk away with the “black eye” of intimidation.  When this has happened to me I feel suffocated by a cloud of superiority threatening to squeeze the last ounce of self esteem I had out of me.  Some of my experiences have been intentional humiliation and others just insensitive remarks.  Here are a few examples from over the years that threw a good punch at my seeming “lack of success”:

 

“We only wear real gold and silver jewelry” upon receiving my costume jewelry gift.

“I’m really tired of Prime Rib- do you mind if we just go for a hamburger” when reuniting with an old friend.

“I just can’t decide which dress to wear” from their closet of many and I really didn’t have a dress.

“ Only go in the food pantry late at night when no one will see you” upon being told I could use the church pantry to help feed my kids, but the church leaders didn’t want anyone to know the truth about their part in creating a financial disaster in our family.

“Don’t sit in that chair- you might break it” announced in front of a group referring to my chubby shape.

Everyone reading this has your own list.  I’ve torn mine up this past year and really had to think hard to remember these.  Gloria Gaither wrote great children’s song years ago and I’ve decided it was for all ages so I sing along with my grandchildren and believe with all my heart it is true for grandma too!.....

I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital "P"
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin' to hear God's voice
And I am tryin' to make the right choice
I'm a promise to be anything God wants me to be
Anything God wants me to be!

It’s a very good depiction overall drawn from the imagination of my granddaughter.  I don’t think the stuffed animals talked.  I definitely woke up right before hitting the floor and my husband didn’t sleep through it.  My legs are only twenty-six inches long and the bed is 33 inches high.  I’ve jumped in and slid out for years without a mishap.  The bed frame is now gone and the box springs and mattress are quite comfortable on the floor. I should only be in therapy for reinjuring my neck a couple weeks!  The unexplainable can be very frustrating and speculation does not help.  The miracle is no brain damage (at least anything diagnosable) after experiencing the following list in the last ten years:

 

1. Opening a closet door and having a large heavy metal bowl fall on my head and knock me out.
2. Slipping on ice landing flat on my back in the driveway and no one home while I shivered awhile in shock.
3. Moving a shelf and having the small television sitting on the top fall on my head.
4. Falling on a raised landing in a doctor’s office hitting the front of my head that through the back of my head into a wooden door frame.  (Therapy started here)
5. Slipping on a wet floor right before a spring piano recital rehearsal and hitting my head on a wall.
6. Tripping over a metal landing someone had left sticking up and belly-flopping onto a concrete floor.
7. Falling out of bed……..

I am sure my family might fill in a blank or two that I’ve forgotten. This is a ridiculous list- I really have trouble believing it myself.  I have taped this verse to my computer:

“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs…and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a wee-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11

 I was asked yesterday, “where in the universe have you been?’ Shopping for a helmet…………..

Opening the time capsule of 2011 brought a wave of wonderment to our hearts as we saw the dreams and hopes expressed by the children one year ago having been fulfilled.  Everything from having my own room- improved reading skills- to becoming wealthy and famous in order to give to the poor- and even getting to bake a cake in a sister’s Easy Bake Oven was read aloud.  In each situation the desire had either manifested or the child had experiences that definitely lead into the direction they were seeking!  As we handed out the slips to write our hopes for this year the children were very private and serious. I can only imagine what they wrote after experiencing God’s faithfulness this year.

 

Jesus loves me this I know.  This simple most profound truth in the universe is the key to life fulfillment- contentment- peace ruling and reigning in our lives.  Believing is my step of faith to walk out each day knowing not only will it be ok- it is already ok!

 

I have been asked what the purpose of this blog truly is.  It is not to preach and I can only apologize to any reader who feels that at any time.  My life as I live it is the only sermon that I have.  Fumbling the ball is something I am more familiar with than touchdowns!    Anyone viewing my plays on any given day of my life sees the real picture -which is all that will be remembered. When I started the blog I was in the most serious depression of my life temporarily disconnected from anything I had ever known.  Over these first two years of writing I have found out many truths about myself and have come to not only accept them, but like Carol the way God likes me.  My children often call me Carol or each other Carol or even my grandchildren Carol when the actions they are observing are unique to me- the Carol they know through and through.  Many of them are not strengths, but I have learned to laugh with them about myself.  Listen more intently to their concerns and suggestions.  I also am listening to comments.  One person commented that the transparency in my writing is what connected them to me and encouraged them to go forward.  It is my desire to define my strengths this year rather than try to always be strong.  Receiving strength from friends and family on this journey has shown me how important it is to know when I am strong and to know when I need your strength to make it….thanks to all of you who are sharing my journey…………

The uprising is going to be strong sounding like an erupting volcano.  There is simply no other answer and I am going to have to tell them soon.  There will be no home-baked cookies this Christmas.  I cannot imagine it myself, but the third grandchild has arrived and the truth has to be put to the light.  I eat two thirds of what is baked at Christmas- a sweet tooth passed down for several generations.  This year the goal is to have a very merry Christmas without a cookieJ  Grandma got inspired by the staircases and walking in New York City.  There was no choice.  We called it “Boot Camp in New York”.  I am already stronger for it, but here in Kentucky it is a choice and It Is Very Hard To Choose!

 

Can habits change after years of unthinking motion?  My experience is yes, but then I do the backslide and find myself right back into the old pattern.  I really don’t want to backslide this time, but many times before that also has been the case.  I have been visited in variations of the 3 ghosts at Christmas and still just temporary change.  People say it’s because I don’t care about myself or make myself a priority.  I’m really not sure, because the truth is my size and level of physical fitness has never factored in the measurement of my contentment, peace and happiness in life.  Repeated failures surprised me when I finally noticed, but rarely affected my daily state of mind.  Facebook is a great place to crop anything unseemly so the truth doesn’t have to be shown!

Here’s the deal.  A favorite scripture of mine has always been Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  Wanting to conquer the physical fitness need has been the problem.  Today I want to be successful in this.  No cookies this year and I will be honest to the core.  If it doesn’t happen, no when it does happen I think I will want to do more…………..somebody tell my husband……………….

We were banished to the kitchen.  It wasn’t her fault- it was mine.  Her favorite new job of doing grandma’s pedicure was disrupted by my knocking the polish bottle out of her hand.  This mishap created a very contemporary coral design on my otherwise beige carpet.  Papa wasn’t happy.  We tried a couple quick fixes including polish remover to no avail.  I will be googling possible answers as the local folks had no remedy.  Later that morning Papa made a comment about it and the sweet girl replied, “A lesson learned by me and grandma.”

 

Accidents happen.  They range from funny to horrific.  Two funny ones come to mind.  Once I was getting up out of my rolling office chair to greet a prospective employee and fell flat on my face in front of her.  The other one was during a very strong mother lecture I was giving one of my girls and she dumped her glass of iced tea on my new white pants.  I didn’t miss a breath- just stood up lecturing and took them off in front of her- still lecturing- went to the sink for emergency soap and cold water- and continued lecturing.  When she began to giggle I looked up and said, “Do you think this is funny?”  The lecture ended…..

In recent years I have experienced repeated head injuries.  First a large bowl fell out of the closet and hit me on the head knocking me out momentarily.  I tried to move a shelf on which a small TV sat and it fell off and hit my head. I’ve tripped several times- most recently over a steel carpet strip someone was removing in a doorway. They left it sticking up part way through the job and upon opening the door my shoe caught it and sent me flying.  The jury is still out concerning the extent of any brain damage that has occurred and my children are threatening to buy me a helmet for Christmas!

 

Then there are the accidents which are really horrific and cause people to suffer physically, emotionally, and often spiritually.  Few of us have not been touched by one in this category.  We find no humor in them.  People walk away without words of comfort in shock themselves.  I thought about people I know this morning who are accident victims.  I had the thought Jesus never had an accident.  I was reminded that on the way to the cross he fell under the weight of all he was carrying.  God had a man right there who though forced, willingly carried the cross for him the rest of the way.  God always has a way to complete our journey.  It may not be easy, but the end of His plan is always good.  Today I will keep my eyes open and by the grace of God not walk away from anyone without offering comfort. I myself have experienced deep empathy and mercy over and over again.  We can only give what we have received……………………..

My car was towed away last night.  The past two years have been challenging times for us.  My husband and I both were stressing out in a circumstance we couldn’t seem to find any answer for. There is everyone and no one to blame.  Did we overspend what our earnings were?  Yes.  Were there events or calamities that caused extra expense?  Yes.  Were our incomes affected by the overall economy?  Yes. Music is always the first to go!  Second is a school cutback in special programs. Thus both our work has been affected.  Thankfully I had been trying to negotiate with the bank to no avail and knew this was going to happen so it wasn’t a shock.

 

When I first got the car it was such a blessing.  A second vehicle made caring for my mom’s needs and spending time with her easier.  Grandchildren time increased.  No longer did we have to rent a car to take trips to see sick relatives and sadly attend several funerals of those very close to us.  The car gave my daughter freedom from stress for a couple months as she adjusted to a full time job after years of law school.  I was free to get a diet Pepsi before I started my piano lessons.  It was borrowed numerous times- I will never forget a young couple in our church took it to a wedding and came back raving about how comfortable they were in my car! Yes a book could be written about life enjoyed in my car.

 

For today the car is history and the consequences are yet to be seen.  I can tell you this. Our financial position has improved and we have solidarity in all other areas we thank God and friends for.  So am I going to let this annoy and torment me? No.  Am I looking for another car?  Yes. (One of those miracle ones that just end up parked in your driveway lol!)   Mom actually enjoys riding in the truck as she enjoys the view from higher up.  She and I getting into the truck may win America’s Funniest Home Videos!    Everything is not always as it seems and I fully expect God to honor Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  He has over and over in the journey of my life……