Oh to hide inside a gooey chocolate brownie, warm icing dripping through the cracks. Comforted inside and out by the warm chocolate sauce and the body conforming comfortably to the warm dough like a primo mattress set. Don’t wake me up- don’t yell reality to me- I want this delusion to go on as long as possible- reality is simply too much to bear right now so let me enjoy my escape!

We all have these places we go. We create them individually in times of desperation when the need for respite just to survive the moment is necessary. Without them we feel physically overloaded to the point we fear our very being may pop from the pressure! Judge not for you may be judged with the same measure. Yes the brownie has its downfall and we come out sluggish and miserable. The movie or TV show leaves us exhilarated in emotions of fantasy yet immediately the real world faces us head on.

“You are the God who sees me.” Genesis 16:13

Hiding is the illusion. He always knows where we are. Like a good natured Father he plays the game of hide and seek and waits for us to reveal ourselves.  Then He can love on us, talk to us, teach us, and send us on our way more confident knowing He is always there. There is a joy in being found- especially by someone who cares.

 
There are some days you just wake up and wonder who am I? What am I? Where am I? Where is life going? Last night my baby girl came with her fiancé’ to share in the receiving of her engagement ring. I am in mix-matched layered pajamas crazy hair etc and my husband with new beard growth and work clothes. I fear the photo of the beautiful couple with those homeless old people may show up on face book! Really I won’t care and may do it myself- its real life happening the way it happens more often than not. A completely spontaneous event that could never have been planned to be more special than it is! For that moment all else is forgotten and all is happy tears and laughter. The twin sister happened to be there which added so much as we all shared our excitement and she got her husband on the phone. He has been my favorite son-in law for ten years and welcomed his soon to be “husband” of the “other” twin!


This morning I played Disney’s “When you wish upon a Star” along with other worship songs. I thought of how the Star marked the beginning of our salvation with the birth of Jesus. My daughter has sung this song all her life and the fact I can play it in response to her happiness now is a bit surreal. Fairy tales do not come true and in a day and age that marriage is taking such a bizarre rap in society I thank God that we can believe in Him. A loving God who has real plans for our lives that are fulfilling and abundant- we just need to stick close to Him! Who am I? I am a creation of God who has chosen to follow Jesus. What am I? By choice I am a container of His joy and wisdom He so freely offers to me. Where am I? In His presence as I walk each day. Where is life going? I will answer that also in a song I played this morning- “Have Thine Own Way Lord”………

That’s me on the left. We five had a reputation for our forts, igloos, and snow tunneling! It is surreal to look at this photo and think about where these five people have gone in their life journeys fifty years later. Though it sounds a bit cliché I am thinking today how important every moment in life is- for when we breathe our next breath that moment is gone! Most moments are forgotten over time, but the ones we hold mean they produced something in our hearts that we never let go. Those moments become the framework in building our future. Whether repetitive fun, unexpected excitement, or tragedy when families ever get together there are some moments everyone remembers just as a nation we all remember where we were when President Kennedy as shot , the 9/11 Terrorist Attack took place, and when man took his first step on the moon. The lie is that many moments just don’t matter. They all do. This belief has become stronger during my journey “Finding Planet Carol” as I learned to listen to family and friends with ears that were focused on what they were saying. Though we share many memories, I have been astounded by the many memories others have that I was completely oblivious to. Others have told me they have discovered things about me that they would never have thought to be true as I have become more transparent in my writing.  Paul wrote to Timothy:

“Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.” I Timothy 4:15

The truth is someone is always watching. Though we should not live to please the desires of others, neither should we be naive enough to think what we do and say doesn’t matter. It is affecting someone or something. A favorite children’s book I often refer to tells the story of what happens when a little bug sneezes. The sneeze blows a leaf across the pond that bumps a frog that…that….that…and by the end of the book there is a major event occurring downtown all because a bug sneezed. Today it feels like my weaknesses are screaming for all to see, but inside there is a joy that is my strength. I will choose to let that joy of the Lord have control of this day and perhaps a moment will occur where another is encouraged and hope can rise up in their heart. I may never know, but making the effort to be that kind of person feels really good.

My tree is still up. Janet had hers down before New Years. Tricia clears the table before you are finished eating. My husband won’t go to bed until the party is cleaned up! I could be called lazy, but I prefer to say that I enjoy the afterglow! Our holiday was extremely busy with lots of company and several events. As fun as they were it left me exhausted. This week as I ease back into normal I am enjoying the tree- the only remaining decoration- as a reminder of all that was experienced in this room. Family we rarely see with adorable growing little ones. Friends choosing to relax for a moment putting aside the great challenges they are facing in their lives. Family all together sharing conversations without having someplace else they are rushing to be. The wonderful Christmas dishes cooked only this time of year, plus homemade desserts (and at our house fresh Belgium Chocolates!) Grandchildren wide eyed with surprise and happiness. Yes- I am a romantic and an optimist. For this reason it is important to plant these special times in my heart for all of life is not wonderful. It seems easier to recall the bad times for most people, so I store up the good memories to remind myself the truth- I am very blessed.

Last week I finished a diary- it is the first one I’ve ever done and took eleven years. It is called a Blessing Diary so the rule is only blessings can be written there. What a pleasure it was to read about the most difficult years of my life in terms of the blessings! I understood completely the wisdom in Philippians 4:8:

“Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

I am looking for a new diary- I highly recommend you get one too!.....................

More than once since December 25th I have seen on face book or heard from the mouths of friends “I am done with Christmas!” Even I who rate in the top 5% of Americans who tend to go overboard can empathize with this feeling at the moment. Interestingly though, these words never come out of the mouths of children. Even children suffering physically or in poverty have faith and energy for Christmas long before and long after adults are exhausted! Movie classics old and new remind us of the true meaning of the season, but we can only take so much hype in our physical and emotional beings!


I was reading in Philippians chapter 2 this morning in the Message Bible and came across these words: “Do everything readily and cheerfully- no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message in to the night so I’ll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns!” That my friend is Christmas all year round! If regularly exerting our efforts to bless others is our way of life Christmas would not be such a shock to our routines. Instead it would be an extension of rejoicing in the life we live because Christ was and is and always will be the Way-the Truth- and Life! Happy New Year to All…………….

Fascination with a simple thing is all it takes to pull us out of our world even if only for a moment. The first snowflake, the icicle cluster on the lamp post pictured above, a cardinal on a snow covered branch. Perhaps for you today it might be a group of porpoise jumping in the surf or a lone butterfly landing on a flower. If we are alone we enjoy a small surge of excitement, if others are there we holler for them to share the moment. As we pull away that small miracle of life gives us a glimpse of hope for something new, something different, and something better. These pictures of things only God can do remind us we are part of a universe that is amazing and complex. Possibilities increase when we consider the miraculous. Snow is a welcome sight after staring at drab empty trees and mud for a few weeks even if you can’t get out or need to turn up the furnace. I realize that during the crash of Planet Carol I no longer saw these things. I either whizzed by too fast to notice or refused to open my eyes or touch or move. It was a very unhappy place I chose to bury myself in. During that season of my life the snow fell, the porpoise jumped, and the butterflies were landing. I missed it all only because I refused to look. By the grace of God I pray I have learned my lesson never to return to desolation.

“…and lo I am with you always. Even to the end of the world!” Matthew 28: 20b

A friend of mine has her Christmas tree done in red and white to represent the blood of Jesus that covers us and makes us clean and white as snow. A beautiful reminder that Jesus who came as a baby returned to His father having suffered a horrible death- yet the reward was a way for us to be with Him. God wants us- that is why He created us. He desires for us to be happy and enjoy the life we have been given. At this holiday season I don’t have any money. However I can spread a lot of gratefulness for God, for family and friends, for so many blessings most of the world does not have. I will sing loudly for the joy of the Lord is my strength! Just as the choirs have shown up in the malls unexpectedly singing the Hallelujah Chorus, may we who know Love show up unexpectedly to someone in frustration and despair and give them a glimpse of hope………

I cried last night. Always I cry at weddings, school plays, every graduation, but other than that tears are rare with me. Last night I cried for really no reason at all except about twenty situations that made me feel sad- hurt- disappointed and lonely. Paul cried when he wrote the Corinthian church saying there were more tears than ink on the parchment over the situation he was addressing. Jesus cried when he was in the presence of death taking a friend. He shed tears mixed with blood so severe was His cry over the cross He chose to bear for us! Comparing all of that I am tempted to say my tears were selfish and silly, but the Holy Spirit clearly is speaking even now about the depth of God’s love for me and nothing is small and silly to Him. I have seen many a child cry and no matter what the reason, the presence of tears means they are troubled in their heart and need help to fix it. I am God’s child and if my heart is troubled for any reason He is there not only wanting to fix it, but having all ability to do so- in a split second when I allow it!

We have also seen the child “turn it on” and then “turn it off” in a manipulative way. That is not what I am referring to. Usually we get caught off guard by tears that may feel embarrassing- or tears justified and we wail louder- nevertheless it is not something we planned- it just happens. Last night I allowed the Holy Spirit to minister to my heart and the tears were cleansing and left me stronger. It happened fairly quickly because I responded to His presence. I am not a pathetic person, I am a person who had allowed my foundation to crack and only the Lord has the strength I need to carry the bags of cement to the cracks, stir it and pour it in. Once He finishes I am energized to follow Him to the next thing! Luke tells about a woman who was a sinner and brought the alabaster box of ointment for Jesus and cried tears of repentance as she washed Jesus feet. Those are tears we all must cry! Perhaps I will cry more often this year or maybe not. Either way when they come I know where to turn and allow God to take them and use them for good. Tears are here to stay on the earth, but the day will come when God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes as we enter eternity with Him. For now let’s let them fall into His hands and follow Him to peace that passes all understanding and enjoy a taste of heaven here and now! We may physically and emotionally experience the hurricanes of life, but there is always a place of peace where God resides!