12.15.09
How do I feel about you Lord? I love you I love you I love you! I am utterly amazed at your grace over me when I wander as if you aren’t even there, yet at that moment deep within me I know you are there.
I think that you are humble- to desire to have me as a friend and companion- and I am just something you made out of dirt! Yet you wanted me enough to blow your own breath into me and give me life.
I think you are patience. Your love for me stays steady even though I continually don’t do what you know is best for me. I try to be you and you just smile knowing my intent though I am completely missing the point- that you are you in me and if I would just let go of trying to be something you could actually become something in me that comes out of me and yet it would be all you.
I think you are empathetic. You know me better than I know myself, partly because you became like me- a body of flesh- and experienced all a body can experience- including spirit, soul, mind, heart, seeing both good and evil, touching things both pleasant and unpleasant, hearing beauty and ugliness, feeling acceptance and rejection, loving every human being regardless of how they lived and hating only the real enemy- the devil.
My feelings for you are desperate because of my own insecurities. I know that I have not even tapped into the provisions in the spirit that are there for me and I am afraid that I will live a shallow existence because of my inability to overcome my own lazy flesh. In my pride over my accomplishments that I know are only because I responded to your wisdom and guidance and most often gave you all the glory for them- yet my body is weary and I find I really don’t want to respond anymore to anything that sounds like sacrifice- that I just want to be selfish and let others carry the ball. I know I have broken my own rule that you put in my heart years ago- that all my expectations should come from you and no man. Let me just repent of that right now.
You are trust. So if I can’t trust you there exists no trust in the universe! Over and over you have been there for me without ever disappointing me (ok wait, I have been disappointed- my husband is not healed of diabetes, my son fighting the battle of a mental illness and maybe there is a longer list I don’t care to dig for right now) Even in these disappointments I haven’t blamed you because I know you. I know that you want all to be healed. I know you want all to be saved. I would say that it is not you that I don’t trust- it is me. I don’t trust me to trust you with things. Why is that? You are my God and have shown yourself to me in my prayer closet when no one else understood. You have baptized me with the Holy Spirit. I understand that in you I have a Father, a Savior, and a daily presence to guide me. I have been the recipient of many miracles in my life undeniably even in the eyes of unbelievers to have come directly from you. I have been content and satisfied with you when others wanted me to have more possessions and recognition on the earth and I truly didn’t care about it. Perhaps right now in this state of weariness I find myself in I desire more of this world. Is that normal? As I write it I see it as ridiculous.
You are fun. The best times of my life have been with you. Experiencing joy so exuberating I couldn’t help but dance. Experiencing peace so penetrating that I left the world around me sharing with you only in a cloud that had no cares. I have laughed with you over the silly things in life. I have stood in awe with you at the births of my children, miracle healing of the baby with cancer, and that a check didn’t bounce that should have. Experienced gratefulness in the provision of need ($ for college, groceries when broke, gifts for my children I couldn’t pay for, ministry needs met, a mission trip to South Africa, strength and guidance to care for the members of Crossroads, returning Mom to me after being kidnapped, and on and on and on I could go…..) Every time you show up we smile at each other because I know you are there- loving me- liking me- protecting me. You like me- so why can’t I get over myself and like me too?
You have the answer. Somehow I am blocking myself from seeing what I know is right there. It is like a silly cartoon where you are handing me my birthday cake and I refuse to open my eyes to see it, open my ears to hear you say take it, move my arms to reach out and touch it, have a clothes pin on my nose so I can’t smell it, and allow my taste buds to water and not be satisfied. I am truly the most stupid person on earth. And yet I sense you don’t see me as stupid. You still desire fellowship with me. Your mercy is new every moment and you remain patient. You have empathy for my struggle and believe in my ability to make it even when I don’t. You stand there willing for me to trust you in spite of myself. And somehow in the midst even this moment I am smiling because you know the fun we have shared has only just begun.
How do I feel about you? You are God- the one and only God- and I accept you today as Lord of my life, companion of my life, friend in my life and with you I can find my orbit.......

I have decided I was not completely honest in my last blog- there are only a few things I don't like about myself. I consider myself a quite likeable person actually. The real mystery for me is why more of you don't like me and reach out to me. It has been intriguing to experience the reactions of those around me to my planet being out of commission. Some of you just want me to explain what happened (and I can't). Others give advice in the desperate hope that I will just come out of it and get on with what has always been. There have even been some who have feared that I have had a head on collision and the damage is irreparable! When I was eight years old we attended a good Southern Baptist Church and during one of our revival services I gave my life to the Lord Jesus Christ and was baptized. This was and is real for me- I can still remember the details of my first days knowing Jesus. Growing up I was in the middle of everything at my church- attaining the highest honors in the Girls Auxiliary Group. I even started a Prayer Group and Bible Study at my high school. My parents always thought I would become a foreign missionary. I did go to college and participated in lots of mission work (playing the piano made me invaluable to all the handsome young ministers and music leaders who went out in teams on the weekends! - being a Christian doesn't remove our human instincts). Anyway, I hit a point in college mission work one summer in the Appalachian mountains of Kentucky where I started to pray - I would say things like, "I know there is more to You, God than I am experiencing. I want to give more and there isn't more in me to give, but I know there is more in You." Boldly I asked Him to show me more or I wasn't going to spend my life serving Him. He did show me more and much to my family and friends dismay the girl elected to serve as the Baptist Student Union President at her college that coming fall was no longer Baptist- but filled with Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues and seeing miracles happen around. My father told me point blank I was going to hell. (He later changed his mind and we will be reunited in heaven one day!) Since that summer I have lived my life serving the Lord with my whole heart and a good life it has been in spite of huge challenges. How does someone like this, so sure of God's presence and love for the world run out of gas and just float...........................

12.10.09

Attach to. My previous entry ended in those words and I am reacting to the thought. Planet Carol has been quick to make commitments and attach myself to others both personally or in joining a project. To me it is all about loyalty, dedication, hard work, and going the extra mile. Many of these commitments remain with me to this day, but others were for a season and the job has been completed. Usually the completion brings with it celebration, lots of good vibes and feelings. Occasionally it is simply a relief it is over. And then there are the experiences that drain you and leave you broken hearted and feeling helpless. No matter which catagory they fall- over the long term most of these accomplishments are forgotten completely or a memory to relive once in awhile. Somehow whether it was celebration or recuperation at the end I always find myself lost wondering what to do next. At the same time things I've neglected during the project come screaming into the moment. My body yells for care- the house is a disaster- I find a list of things I meant to do still undone- relationships like my husband look at me like-"hello, do I know you?" This happened this year. Only I didn't find another project to distract me from them. It has been a moment of recuperaion and I didn't bounce back. I got sick. I quit doing some of my commitments. I looked around me and felt like a stranger in my own home. For the first time in my life I made decisions not to attach myself to anything. The optomism and fight that have kept me zipping around the universe left me suddenly- like a balloon that is popped and falls deflated. For some reason I am laughing right now thinking of one of the many Navy songs we learned from our Dad "What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor, What can you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning....." Is the question do I want to attach to anyone or anything or is it that I don't believe anyone truly wants to attach to me- the "drunken sailor" who isn't worth the trouble? The real me I am searching to define may or may not be all about loyalty, hard work and going the second mile. Today I want something more than to be needed or used- I want to be liked - someone you would desire to be around. I'm floating right now because there are a lot of things about me I don't like so I figure why would you..........

12.08.09

Writing is energizing to me. I am amazed at how much I learn about myself as my fingers work the keyboard. Some people I suppose may think through exactly what they are going to say, but for me writing is the moment. It is the response to the now I am in. Being honest with the now I am actually in has only recently become part of my journey. Most of my life I have lived in the now of others around me. Taking seriously what needed to be done for those around me. Yesterday I was very honest about my moment as I wrote Finding Planet Carol- so much so that I hope my husband didn't read it! At the same time there is a freedom coming into my life by being honest. Recently we had to cut down a huge tree that has shaded our front lawn, been climbed by every child who visited and stands proudly in the family event photos taken over the years. It has been sick for several years but neither my husband or I could bear to part with it so we ignored the truth. After the wind and ice storms of the past year I knew that we had taken all the chances we had with the tree making it and realized having it fall on the new front porch my husband built would not be worth the sentimental feelings. I took a hundred pictures the day it came down. Filled my house with colored leaf arrangements! Today (months later) the stump has still not come out, but there is a new freedom in the front yard. Possibilities for grass to actually grow. Two other trees that were hidden by this one are now showing off their beauty. More people have complimented the front porch. I can see at this moment my front lawn pictures where I am drifting. I am the planet who lost it's tree somehow and I have looked at a hundred photos of my life wondering for awhile if there was anywhere else to go. Honestly blogging about who I really am is opening my eyes. New orbits are beginning to appear that I might actually want to attach to.......................

12.07.09

There is a new distraction keeping me from getting serious about planet repairs. This one is a lot of fun! As I ponder it's affect on me I have to admit over the years there are conflicting results to- "Christmas Shopping"! Giving to those I love is strong in me- I love seeing their reactions and the challenge of finding that "perfect" thing to surprise them with. Some of you reading this already want to toss me off a bridge, but hey it takes all kinds to make the world go round so if you hate shopping it's fine with me. You may even say I deserve the conflicting side of this event of my life. You see I get over tired, over stressed, eat too much junk food, and spend money that I don't have- checking my accounts 3 times a day in hopes that nothing bounces! I think part of the reason this is so much fun for me is it is an excuse to toss responsible actions to the wind! Society encourages us to eat- charge it- and don't think about the consequences until March 2010! It occurs to me that Planet Carol really likes neglecting herself- it is easier to make a few people happy and vouch for how wonderful you are than it is to face the realities that might strengthen Planet Carol to the degree I could truly make a difference in the quality of life for many. In every area of my life March 2010 always shows up and Planet Carol takes another hit that sends her reeling off alone in space once again. This year I am still drifting due to hard hits and yet still shopping- at the same time hope is bubbling somewhere deep in me so please don't blow me off just yet- I may need you to make it.........................

12.03.09
Who I want to be.....The philanthropist who not only has everything he wants, but enough to solve global issues as well! It is amazing what a small piece of the universe Planet Carol truly is- a pebble on the smallest meteor out there! If I go into the city I am the unnoticed worker in a colony of ants. Those who live in my 4 square mile universe would more likely call me the Queen Bee. Queen over what? I am observing my life under a microscope and finding that the pull to find myself is all happening within me. I've lived outside myself. I see a need and become the Queen Bee and direct my heart out to make sure it is met. This can be very rewarding in and of itself for the moment, but we live in a world of vast need and meeting one is quickly forgotten in the multiple needs that appear immediately after! All the while I am busy directing need meeting there are needs inside my own heart that are ignored each minute, each hour, each day, each month, each year- and gone unmet I have become so needy myself that I no longer have anything to give and find myself helpless in becoming the Queen Bee over myself. Where I have typically been motivated and energized to help others- the energy to fix my own planet eludes me. With the exception of 2 adorable grandchildren I seem to have zero motivation for needed repairs...............

Who's fault is it? It starts in early childhood when Mom wants to know who drew on the wall with the crayon. She only has a 50/50 chance of getting the right answer. Older brother may blame the baby brother who looks at older sister with his sweet brown eyes. Then sister looks at older brother and senses he is innocent so not being able to bear the thought of baby brother being in trouble takes the blame herself. Or maybe at your house the girls blamed the boys for everything. I need more energy. Who's fault is it that I need to lose weight? My husbands jean size has been 33/33 since the day we married. He makes popcorn every night and eats 4 meals a day. It's his fault! Mom always had sweets and made us clean our plates. It's her fault! My Dad's family tends to be overweight. It's his fault! I have a list of stresses. It's not shorter or longer than yours- it's my very own and very real. As a result I have developed my own "Stress Busters!" Ice cream works really well followed by M&M's, chocolate chip cookies etc..... Taking full responsibility for who I am seems to overwhelming right now. After all I have been taken advantage of, thrown too many hats to wear, suffered loss and deep hurts. Right now as I am writing this I the thought has come to me that perhaps this isn't about who I am, but who I want to be....................